The Pros and Cons of Dating Men Who Won’t Marry

The Pros and Cons of Dating Men Who Won’t Marry may vary from one person to the other but here are a few that resonate with me:

I was divorced for seven years after being married for nine.  I didn’t particularly care for the single life and knew I was going to one day remarry.  I continued to learn about relationships as I dated quite a few men.  But I also learned that there are men who want to settle down and get married and men who don’t.  Some men who don’t want to permanently settle down pretty much make it clear at the beginning.  These men who do make it clear are typically the ones who commit for the time being and are successful, charismatic and attractive.  They can excite you with their lavish dates, vacations and lifestyle.  You think you can enjoy being in the here and now ignoring those red flag behaviors and take a chance.  Then there’s that possibility and hope that you are special enough and can change his mind and actually be the one he gives up bachelorhood for.  Our ego keeps us in denial for awhile as most courtships are very seductive.  It’s important to know what it is you want and have boundaries to determine whether or not you are getting what you want.  That way you can differentiate between the fun you are having and the goal you want to achieve.

Some of the pros and cons of dating men who won’t marry:

Pros:

1.  Typically successfully, affluent, and attractive men

2.  Can sweep you off your feet with their charismatic personality and lavish dates

3.  Are very exciting and alluring as they make themselves unavailable for long-term permanency; makes you want them more

4.  You can feel very important if he dates you for a longer period of time than expected as this makes you feel you might be “the one” he does break down and settles with

5.  Ego booster

6.  You can learn something about yourself as to why you allow yourself to remain in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you want

Cons:

1.  You may feel resentful and angry when the relationship ends when reality sets in

2.  If you had marriage in mind the time invested could have been spent attracting an appropriate partner

3.  If you are of child bearing years and too much time has gone by that window of opportunity might have closed

4.  You may have hurt your self-esteem as you ended up not being “the one”

5.  The negative feelings from this relationship may be carried onto the next and possibly sabotage an appropriate partner

Once you become aware that he is not going to make that long-term commitment reality sinks in and hurt, disappointment, anger and a range of emotions can set in.  Remember determine how you want to date.  Are you dating for fun or are you dating to settle down and get married?  That question will help you with how long you choose to stay in a relationship that is looking like it is working but, is it going to meet that goal?  No one needs to be the bad guy in the scenario as long as there is an understanding of what the relationship is about.  That understanding should start with YOU.

As a Couples Counselor I help Individuals with relationship goals and objectives.  If you are experiencing difficulty talking to your boyfriend about possibly moving to the next step please give me a call at (858) 735-1139.  I can help with the discussion you need to have so you can get the clarity and perspective that you need to move forward.

 

7 Ways To Boost Romance In Your Marriage

Ways To Boost Romance In Your Marriage.  We all know long-term relationships lose their luster.  Here are some helpful tips to return to those early days of romance:

1.  Appreciate your partner – Thankful people are happy people.  And thankful couples are happy couples.  Appreciate one thing about your partner every day, and then speak up and let him hear how magnificent or handsome or thoughtful you think he is.  The good news is the more you appreciate him the more he will appreciate you in return.

2.  Put some effort into your appearance –  It’s not vain to want to look good.  A pleasant appearance and positive self-image are instant happiness boosters and libido enhancers.  Try a new hairdo, buy some new lingerie or luxuriate in a nice bath and give yourself a treat to self indulgence.  Nothing amps up the libido like self-confidence.

3.  Share some fantasies – If you want to spice up your sex life and get your needs met in the bedroom, speak up and share your fantasies with your spouse.  You can also create a “fantasy box” which consists of fantasies written on slips of paper stored in a sexy box in your boudoir.  Whenever things get a little too routine simply pull a piece of paper from your fantasy box and act it out.  Make sure you both agree on the fantasies placed in the box before acting out on any one of them.  Always want to feel safe in acting any of them out.

4.  Get plenty of sleep – Sounds simple enough as more sleep means better mood, more energy and trimmer waistlines which all add up to increased libidos.  DVR those favorite TV shows and put the kids to bed early, then cuddle up with your spouse in bed.  That extra shut-eye will go a long way.

5.  Try a new date – When you try something new, like going to a new restaurant, seeing a play or participating in a sports activity, you tend to get a boost or adrenaline and excitement that can spill over into the bedroom.  So on your next date think about trying something different, push out of your comfort zone and try something new.

6.  Improve your friendships – You and your partner go do something separately with your girl and guys friends.  Doing independent activities from one another not only boosts your own need for individuality but also renews and rejuvenates yourselves for when you reunite and come together as a couple again.  You bring in all that individual energy to enhance the relationship making for longing and anticipation for one another in between individual time and couple time.

7.  And finally, don’t try to do it all – Find a way to save yourself time and energy.  This could mean hiring a housekeeper or buying store bought goods for your children’s bake sale, or saying no to family or friends who ask too many favors.  You might feel selfish at first, but you must set limits and put boundaries in place so that you don’t take care of other people over taking care of yourself first.

Your spouse will truly appreciate your prioritization of the needs of the couple as it is just as important as the needs of the family as a whole. For more information on how to boost the romance in your relationship please give me a call at (858) 735-1139.

Breakups – How To Get Over Them As Fast As Possible

Breakups – How To Get Over Them As Fast As Possible.  Breakups suck and reliving them is either wildly unpleasant or weirdly humorous.  We’ve all gone through them.  Breakups hurt but aren’t the end of the world.  The pain is temporary, and if handled appropriately, can be life changing as we learn from all our past relationships.  Both men and women who go through breakups are consumed with despair, confusion, and anger hence they go through the grief and loss process. They are truly devastated by the end of a relationship that they thought was going to last forever.  Getting over a broken heart is incredibly tough.

ID-10074157
Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net and smarnad

It can also be surprisingly empowering as you become victorious in finally living your own life again without the constant presence of heartache.  If you want to get over your breakup sooner rather than later follow through with these hard fast Commandments suggested by authors Behrendt and Ruotola.

First Commandment:  Don’t see or talk to him/her for sixty days

Second Commandment:  Get yourself a breakup buddy

Third Commandment:  Get rid of his/her possessions and the things that remind you of them

Fourth Commandment:  Get yourself in motion every day

Fifth Commandment:  Don’t wear your breakup out into the world

Sixth Commandment:  No backsliding!

Seventh Commandment:  It won’t work unless you are number one!

This article was written with humor to add levity to a situation as a breakup can really be quite painful.  In Couples Counseling I help Individuals who are broken up acquire the tools to behave like people who are broken up.  It is very tempting to see each other every now and then after a breakup.  People often times still have sex with one another which adds too much confusion and even more difficulty keeping the breakup broken.  If you are broken up, then it is important to behave like a couple who is broken up.  Exercising appropriate behavior will keep you moving forward.  If you would like more information on break up tools and acquiring appropriate break up behavior to help you move forward please give me a call at (858) 735-1139 or email at [email protected]

It’s not an end it’s a beginning.  Call me and let’s get started.

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage or Relationship?  There are many reasons why an affair occurs. It is most important to understand that an affair affects both people in a relationship.  The healing process can lead a couple to deeper levels of intimacy or a closeness they’ve never shared before.  For Couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner has had an affair it is imperative both parties, despite their own personal pain, try and look within themselves to see how their own behavior contributed to the demise of the once happy and working union.  I am not suggesting the Hurt Partner is to blame in any way.

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

I am only recommending taking a look at how each person in the partnership may have brought implicit or explicit neglect or abuse into the spiraling down dynamics of their relationship.  I’m not talking about chronic Philanderers or people who have continuous affairs, they’re in an entirely different category.  I’m referring to those who have had an isolated incident in one affair that is creating the need for change within the relationship.

In working with couples who do take a look at their individual part of this devastating situation prognosis is typically better than those who would rather blame the person who had the affair by continuing to berate that person in how they have made their life miserable. Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

When you’re ready to take a look at what happened to the relationship it would be good to seek the help of a Marriage Counselor or Couples Counselor who specializes in Affair Recovery and helping couples get through the process of determining whether they can or want to stay together or move on.  In Couples Counseling the couple will need to acknowledge the problems prior to the affair as sometimes the affair could be a symptom of some other underlying problem.  Just because infidelity strikes your marriage doesn’t mean it has to end in a separation or divorce.  Often times an affair can be the best thing that ever happened to a relationship as it brings an end to a relationship that wasn’t working and gives the couple an opportunity to develop a new relationship by developing a New Monogamy.

A new monogamy explicitly says what is wanted and what is not wanted in moving forward. It helps with affair prevention because both parties discuss and document the specifics on how to behave more appropriately. Marriages don’t have to end because someone stepped out and had an affair.  Marriages don’t have to end due to betrayal.  I have been providing affair recovery services for over 20 years. Because the couples I work with allow me to take them through the affair recovery process, I have a more than 90% success rate. Very few divorce. Nobody wants to leave their primary relationship. Couples have a history together, some may have children, financial resources, and great memories. Affair recovery puts things into perspective, and with time marriages are salvaged.

 

For more information on developing the relationship you have always wanted please call me (858) 735-1139.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Ending your affair with integrity. Just because you made a really bad mistake in choosing to engage in an affair doesn’t mean you have to make another bad mistake and end it in a bad way.  If you are in a sexual or emotional relationship (or both) and realize you need to end it you may owe that person more than just a “sorry, I made a mistake.” If you promised your affair partner a life outside your marriage, lead them to believe you had feelings for them, told them you loved them, shared negative stories about your marriage or your spouse with them, or even hinted that you would leave your marriage then an appropriate way of ending the affair would be with some integrity.

Ending Your Affair With Integrity

Don’t underestimate the impact you’ve made on someone else’s life.  Your affair partner deserves to be treated with some respect.  You were involved in their life and got them involved in yours.  The first step is to end matters in a mature and healthy way.  It’s beneficial to both parties to cut off the affair in a way that clearly defines that you are ending the relationship.

Ending your affair with Integrity makes it so the affair cannot come back later and jeopardize the new monogamy you will be working towards in your relationship.  It also helps the affair partner bring closure to the relationship where if they felt used or disrespected they will unlikely seek revenge by contacting your spouse, employer, other family members or friends, in order to create the same chaos in your life that they feel you have created in theirs.

When you break it off be clear about what you will and will not continue to do.  That you will continue to care about them but that you can no longer speak on the phone or answer their emails.  Set boundaries, especially if the affair was with someone at work keeping contact professional and polite.  Make amends and show empathy. Admit ambivalence as you have regrets but make it clear you need to end the relationship. Thank them for anything you feel is appropriate and share that working on your marriage and your relationship with your spouse is your priority.

Like any loss you will undergo a process of grief. You will feel guilt and remorse about hurting your spouse. The best way to move forward is to bring yourself back into your marriage.  Marriage Counseling with a Counselor who specializes in working with Affair Recovery can help you sit down and talk about what you each want for your New Monogamy together and what it will take to make it work.

Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you would like help in creating a new and sustainable marriage.