Developing An Erotic Sex Life

Developing An Erotic Sex Life.  Are you happy with your sex life?  Have you thought about spicing it up in the sack?  Would you say you have more vanilla sex than hot sex?  Meaning all you do is Missionary position.  Or worse yet, are you in a sexless marriage where you have sex maybe half a dozen times a year?  And, yes that constitutes a sexless marriage.

First of all, if you are in a sexless marriage the best way to break that unhealthy cycle is to start having sex.  If it has been a significant period of time getting back into the swing of things is like getting back on a bike.  Awkward at the first but you do get back on.  Having more sex makes you want to have more sex as your body produces sex hormones that can remind you that you like sex and enjoy it.  You’d have to get out of the mindset that keeps you shutdown from wanting sex to have gone without it for so long.  Often times it’s not fatigue, stress or illness that keeps couples in a sexless marriage.  It can be a Power Struggle where one or both hold onto anger or resentment damaging the intimacy creating a downhill spiral.

If you’re like me, you sleep with your cell phone next to your bed.  You may even have a clock radio and/or a television in your bedroom. I know many of you work on your laptop sitting up propped on pillows with your legs under the covers.

If any of these things are true, you may be harming your sex life.

Your bedroom should be a sacred oasis, devoted either to sleep or sex. Nothing else. There should be no electronics, wires, or screens in your bedroom.

If you can’t get rid of all of your electronic devices, try to carve at least one night a week out of your schedule and claim it as a screen-free “sex date night.”  On sex date night, you don’t have to have sex, but you should focus on your erotic relationship. Turn off your phone. Cover the television. Come out from under your laptop.

Turn your bedroom into a Temple of Eros on sex date night. Cover the lamp with a scarf, light a candle, turn on sexy music, wear something sexy.  Make sex date night different and more sacred than any other night of the week. Make sure you are both committed to the night and the time, regardless of emails, homework, or Netflix. Make your sacred erotic life your priority.

Look at your partner not just as the guy taking the trash out or the woman picking up your children, but as your lover and as your intimate partner.”  Your Boyfriend or girlfriend.

Focus on the Erotic

It’s so easy to fall into a comfortable routine once the excitement of the Honeymoon Phase fades away. Many couples wind up relying on maintenance sex to keep their relationship connected and erotic.  Maintenance sex is what I define as sex on a weekday — not a lot of energy or imagination, using the same positions and maybe more obligatory than passionate.  Without maintenance sex, couples can find themselves in low-sex or sexless relationships (defined as sexual intercourse fewer than 11 times a year).

One of the ways out of this dilemma is to devote focused energy on the erotic connection between the two of you. Interact with your partner the way you did when you were dating when everything was new, hot, and exciting. Send flirty messages throughout the day. Schedule a sex date night every week and do everything you can to keep that date. Make your sex life a priority and make the time you set aside for sex a priority.

Masturbate for a Good Sex Life

Masturbation is healthy, both for you and for your sex life.  Masturbation can help people learn to communicate better in bed, which will be great for your partner, and good for your health as it keeps your heart, immune system, and mood in check.

Talk To Your Partner

Suggestions to improve your sex life can be relatively easy to put into practice. If it’s proving more difficult than you imagined, sometimes the best approach is to find a professional who can guide you and your partner through the more difficult work of reconnecting. A couples therapist can teach you different, more effective problem-solving techniques and sexier communication styles. It’s true that sex is often a casualty of relationship problems. If you’re not talking, if you’re having problems, this can translate into a boring or nonexistent sex life.  This understanding can lead to a deeper, more intimate connection. Once you feel intimately connected, then the sexual intimacy between you can blossom.

For more information on developing an erotic sex life please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]


Do You Have Sexual Intelligence?

Do You Have Sexual Intelligence?  There’s a difference between knowing how to have sex and having intelligence about sex. Some people don’t understand either.  As a Marriage Counselor, my couples want sex to be natural and spontaneous.  All the planets have to align before wanting to engage in sex.  Many don’t care for the idea of having to schedule in sex and put in the effort into creating an atmosphere for adult sex so they retreat into what could be considered adolescent sex; having affairs, participating in internet chats, excessive pornography, romance novels, and excessive masturbation.  With sexual intelligence, it requires relearning to experience our sexuality.  What is Sexual Intelligence?  According to author Marty Klein, Sexual Intelligence is “Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness.”


He states:

  1. Sexual Intelligence is the ability to keep sex in perspective regardless of what happens during sex.
  2. To get more out of sex, we have to change.  To change we need a different perspective.  Sexual Intelligence is that perspective.
  3. Sexual Intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life: in our twenties, in exploring the sexual world; in our thirties, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our forties, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our fifties, in saying goodbye to youthful sex, in our sixties and  beyond, in creating a new sexual style.

Enjoyable sex isn’t about technique or a perfect or hard body.  It isn’t about being passionately or hopelessly in love. Enjoyable sex is about having some kind of sexual intelligence.  According to Dr. Klein, people want closeness and pleasure from sex yet they focus on and are preoccupied with how they look, what their partner is thinking about, how they are performing, and whether they’re normal.  He states people do more thinking, worrying, and judging than “experiencing” while having sex. Who could possibly be feeling sexy with all that going on in our heads?

Sexual intelligence is what gets you from adolescent sex to adult sex.  With sexual intelligence, you go from hormone-driven sex to the sex you choose. Understanding sex alleviates the need to feel validated through sex and where you learn to validate your own sexuality with that understanding.  In Marriage Counseling, I help couples relax and enjoy sex with the body they have, the partner they have, and in the situation they have.  I say the stars don’t have to be aligned and everything be perfect to have sex.  With sexual intelligence comes an understanding of sex, love, romance, intimacy, and satisfaction.  Of course, we want to pleasure our partner, but we want to receive pleasure too.  To do that we have to work with what we already have.  Our bodies can do what we want them to do.  If not, we work with the challenges and have open communication about what needs to be adjusted to make sex more pleasurable or satisfying.

For more information on becoming more sexually intelligent contact me at (858) 735-1139.



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