Developing An Erotic Sex Life

Developing An Erotic Sex Life.  Are you happy with your sex life?  Have you thought about spicing it up in the sack?  Would you say you have more vanilla sex than hot sex?  Meaning all you do is Missionary position.  Or worse yet, are you in a sexless marriage where you have sex maybe half a dozen times a year?  And, yes that constitutes a sexless marriage.

First of all, if you are in a sexless marriage the best way to break that unhealthy cycle is to start having sex.  If it has been a significant period of time getting back into the swing of things is like getting back on a bike.  Awkward at the first but you do get back on.  Having more sex makes you want to have more sex as your body produces sex hormones that can remind you that you like sex and enjoy it.  You’d have to get out of the mindset that keeps you shutdown from wanting sex to have gone without it for so long.  Often times it’s not fatigue, stress or illness that keeps couples in a sexless marriage.  It can be a Power Struggle where one or both hold onto anger or resentment damaging the intimacy creating a downhill spiral.

If you’re like me, you sleep with your cell phone next to your bed.  You may even have a clock radio and/or a television in your bedroom. I know many of you work on your laptop sitting up propped on pillows with your legs under the covers.

If any of these things are true, you may be harming your sex life.

Your bedroom should be a sacred oasis, devoted either to sleep or sex. Nothing else. There should be no electronics, wires, or screens in your bedroom.

If you can’t get rid of all of your electronic devices, try to carve at least one night a week out of your schedule and claim it as a screen-free “sex date night.”  On sex date night, you don’t have to have sex, but you should focus on your erotic relationship. Turn off your phone. Cover the television. Come out from under your laptop.

Turn your bedroom into a Temple of Eros on sex date night. Cover the lamp with a scarf, light a candle, turn on sexy music, wear something sexy.  Make sex date night different and more sacred than any other night of the week. Make sure you are both committed to the night and the time, regardless of emails, homework, or Netflix. Make your sacred erotic life your priority.

Look at your partner not just as the guy taking the trash out or the woman picking up your children, but as your lover and as your intimate partner.”  Your Boyfriend or girlfriend.

Focus on the Erotic

It’s so easy to fall into a comfortable routine once the excitement of the Honeymoon Phase fades away. Many couples wind up relying on maintenance sex to keep their relationship connected and erotic.  Maintenance sex is what I define as sex on a weekday — not a lot of energy or imagination, using the same positions and maybe more obligatory than passionate.  Without maintenance sex, couples can find themselves in low-sex or sexless relationships (defined as sexual intercourse fewer than 11 times a year).

One of the ways out of this dilemma is to devote focused energy on the erotic connection between the two of you. Interact with your partner the way you did when you were dating when everything was new, hot, and exciting. Send flirty messages throughout the day. Schedule a sex date night every week and do everything you can to keep that date. Make your sex life a priority and make the time you set aside for sex a priority.

Masturbate for a Good Sex Life

Masturbation is healthy, both for you and for your sex life.  Masturbation can help people learn to communicate better in bed, which will be great for your partner, and good for your health as it keeps your heart, immune system, and mood in check.

Talk To Your Partner

Suggestions to improve your sex life can be relatively easy to put into practice. If it’s proving more difficult than you imagined, sometimes the best approach is to find a professional who can guide you and your partner through the more difficult work of reconnecting. A couples therapist can teach you different, more effective problem-solving techniques and sexier communication styles. It’s true that sex is often a casualty of relationship problems. If you’re not talking, if you’re having problems, this can translate into a boring or nonexistent sex life.  This understanding can lead to a deeper, more intimate connection. Once you feel intimately connected, then the sexual intimacy between you can blossom.

For more information on developing an erotic sex life please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]


Are You In A Sexless Marriage?

Are You In A Sexless Marriage?  Not that anyone but you should care.  But are you? A more important question is are you getting the amount of sex you want?  Then there’s the question, are you getting the sex you want?  As a Marriage Counselor, I emphasize the importance of a healthy sex life.  It’s an integral part in keeping a relationship happy and content from merely existing eventually morphing into dreaded roommates.  And sometimes, bad roommates, to boot.

As a Marriage Counselor, I believe every couple is different with their own unique set of circumstances so there is no magic number that can tell them how often they should be having sex.  There is no “normal.” Some couples have sex two times a day others have sex two times a month. Rather than talk about how many times a week a couple is having sex I encourage couples to openly discuss what they want from their partners and negotiate a relationship that meets both of their needs.

Some couples I work with have not had sex for several years and as long as ten years.  Here is what statistics show about how often Americans are and are not having sex:

  • Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That’s slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek 
  • Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than people who have never been married. — Newsweek 
  • 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
  • 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today 
  • 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today
  • The majority of studies also find that the longer couples have been married, the less often they have sex – Rao and DeMaris 1995
  • Scientific research has observed a link between sexual frequency and well-being where a sample of self-reported Americans found sexual frequency was a strong positive predictor of happiness. – Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization

The roles of sexuality are different in every relationship.  Sexuality plays an important role in marriage and other long-term relationships.  The attitudes that partners hold about marital sexuality, the amount of sex that they have, their preferences and the kinds of sexual activities in which they engage, and how they communicate with each other about their needs and wants can have a tremendous impact on their level of sexual satisfaction and on their happiness within the relationship in general.  Although there is no right amount of sex that characterizes healthy or satisfying relationships, research suggests, and I confirm with my work in counseling, partners are most satisfied when they have some kind sexual activity to express feelings of love, intimacy, and commitment.  Those who are not getting the sex and love they want tend to feel lonely, disconnected, and eventually fall out of love with their primary partner.  Often times depression is associated with living in a sexless marriage where men and women are affected in similar ways.

When couples find themselves in sexless marriages, the choices include marriage counseling, suffering in silence, having an extramarital affair, or divorce.  For couples who get along reasonably well, or are co-parenting young children, or who want to stay together for financial reasons, an open marriage may be a compromise.

It would be best to get the help needed to be able to start a dialogue about what is needed to move forward as continuing to live in a sexless marriage is not only detrimental to your health, but to your emotional well-being.

For more information about doing just that please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]





Do You Have Sexual Intelligence?

Do You Have Sexual Intelligence?  There’s a difference between knowing how to have sex and having intelligence about sex. Some people don’t understand either.  As a Marriage Counselor, my couples want sex to be natural and spontaneous.  All the planets have to align before wanting to engage in sex.  Many don’t care for the idea of having to schedule in sex and put in the effort into creating an atmosphere for adult sex so they retreat into what could be considered adolescent sex; having affairs, participating in internet chats, excessive pornography, romance novels, and excessive masturbation.  With sexual intelligence, it requires relearning to experience our sexuality.  What is Sexual Intelligence?  According to author Marty Klein, Sexual Intelligence is “Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness.”


He states:

  1. Sexual Intelligence is the ability to keep sex in perspective regardless of what happens during sex.
  2. To get more out of sex, we have to change.  To change we need a different perspective.  Sexual Intelligence is that perspective.
  3. Sexual Intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life: in our twenties, in exploring the sexual world; in our thirties, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our forties, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our fifties, in saying goodbye to youthful sex, in our sixties and  beyond, in creating a new sexual style.

Enjoyable sex isn’t about technique or a perfect or hard body.  It isn’t about being passionately or hopelessly in love. Enjoyable sex is about having some kind of sexual intelligence.  According to Dr. Klein, people want closeness and pleasure from sex yet they focus on and are preoccupied with how they look, what their partner is thinking about, how they are performing, and whether they’re normal.  He states people do more thinking, worrying, and judging than “experiencing” while having sex. Who could possibly be feeling sexy with all that going on in our heads?

Sexual intelligence is what gets you from adolescent sex to adult sex.  With sexual intelligence, you go from hormone-driven sex to the sex you choose. Understanding sex alleviates the need to feel validated through sex and where you learn to validate your own sexuality with that understanding.  In Marriage Counseling, I help couples relax and enjoy sex with the body they have, the partner they have, and in the situation they have.  I say the stars don’t have to be aligned and everything be perfect to have sex.  With sexual intelligence comes an understanding of sex, love, romance, intimacy, and satisfaction.  Of course, we want to pleasure our partner, but we want to receive pleasure too.  To do that we have to work with what we already have.  Our bodies can do what we want them to do.  If not, we work with the challenges and have open communication about what needs to be adjusted to make sex more pleasurable or satisfying.

For more information on becoming more sexually intelligent contact me at (858) 735-1139.



How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner

How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner.  Most people received their first conversation about sex in public school by a Sex Ed. teacher.  And that most likely wasn’t very helpful as they showed us charts of the male and female reproductive systems while making it all sound so technical.  Then after the class our classmates would share what they know about sex and maybe even bring out some pornographic magazines for visual aid.  Then our parents would try and give us the “sex talk” and that information was probably minimal at best.  And for many people, that was the first and last time they had a sit-down conversation about sex.  So we all know how babies are made.  But do you know how to make the sex between you and your loved one hot and heavy and keep that passion ongoing for the duration of your relationship?


As a Marriage Counselor I work with Couples who have been married for years and barely ever talk about what they like and don’t like in bed.  Depending on how you were raised talking about sex could have been normalized, awkward or negatively reinforcement.  Talking about our sexual desire, needs, feelings and fantasies with our partner is healthy and necessary as the conversation develops a deeper level of intimacy or emotional connection which leads to a more fulfilling sex life.  For some it may be difficult and embarrassing to talk about sex but it doesn’t have to be.  As a Couples Counselor here is what is incorporated in developing a conversation about what you want from your sex life:

  1. Have an open Dialogue with your partner.
  2. Share your thoughts and feelings about the fact you’re even having a discussion about the subject.
  3. Write down your thoughts if you have to.
  4. Be honest.
  5. Share your fantasies.  You don’t necessarily have to act them out.
  6. Get educated if you don’t know exactly what you want or like or if your relationship could benefit from new ideas.  Reading books, watching a DVD (porn can help).
  7. Be specific as what works for one person may not feel good to another.  Ask your partner what he/she likes and be clear about what feels good to you.
  8. Don’t have the sex talk while having sex or immediately after but during a scheduled time where you set the framework for the conversation.
  9. Use Humor to diffuse any embarrassment.  Laughter is just one more way to build intimacy and draw couples closer together.
  10. Normalize sex talk and be comfortable with your body.

If you want the sex between you and your partner to be more in line with what you’ve been fantasizing about try utilizing the the tips for how to talk about sex.  In Marriage Counseling the first step to getting the sex you want is to start with a dialogue about what sex means to you and what you want more of.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you want to start the sex talk.

The Sex Date

The Sex Date. This is not a normal Date Night where you go out to eat a big dinner and have a couple glasses of wine.  Usually, after a night like that, you come home full and just want to go to sleep.  Make a date with your partner for SEX.  Sex dates are an important part of creating spontaneity and special time with your partner so scheduling a weekly date shows that the relationship is important.

When the date night arrives know that you will have some type of Sexual Contact, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment. Sometimes arousal comes before desire….don’t wait for the desire to hit.  You are creating the environment where desire can flourish once it is aroused.  Sexual contact can mean a lot of different things.  Laying naked together, soft touching, massage, or pleasure through touching your own body while your partner watches are all erotic connections.

Leading up to the date make sure you put effort into preparing for your special night. Starting about four days prior to the Sex Date use small acts to help create anticipation for the big night.  For example, show your partner physical affection at least three times the first day.  Attempt to connect on the second day by whispering in your partner’s ear the things you want to do to him or her on your Sex date.

On the third day bring home a surprise like a card or small gift you can use for the date.  The fourth day is the important day so create an atmosphere in the bedroom that will remind both of you that this is a sacred and erotic space for you to play safely in together. Light candles, put fresh flowers by the bed, put soft sheets and blankets on the bed. Make extra effort to pick music your partner will like.

When the big night finally arrives keep your expectations open and reasonable.  If the evening goes well then wonderful.  If it doesn’t live up to your expectations, remember that this night can be anything that works for you and makes you feel connected to one another.  Massage, communication, and sharing fantasies can make this an important night of Sensual Pleasures.

In Couples Counseling I help Couples with specific exercises in preparing for their Sex Date nights utilizing techniques and putting systems into place.  As a Marriage Counselor, I have found that incorporating Sex Dates in Couples Therapy help the Couples I work with rekindle their desire for one another.  For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.