Developing An Erotic Sex Life

Developing An Erotic Sex Life.  Are you happy with your sex life?  Have you thought about spicing it up in the sack?  Would you say you have more vanilla sex than hot sex?  Meaning all you do is Missionary position.  Or worse yet, are you in a sexless marriage where you have sex maybe half a dozen times a year?  And, yes that constitutes a sexless marriage.

First of all, if you are in a sexless marriage the best way to break that unhealthy cycle is to start having sex.  If it has been a significant period of time getting back into the swing of things is like getting back on a bike.  Awkward at the first but you do get back on.  Having more sex makes you want to have more sex as your body produces sex hormones that can remind you that you like sex and enjoy it.  You’d have to get out of the mindset that keeps you shutdown from wanting sex to have gone without it for so long.  Often times it’s not fatigue, stress or illness that keeps couples in a sexless marriage.  It can be a Power Struggle where one or both hold onto anger or resentment damaging the intimacy creating a downhill spiral.

If you’re like me, you sleep with your cell phone next to your bed.  You may even have a clock radio and/or a television in your bedroom. I know many of you work on your laptop sitting up propped on pillows with your legs under the covers.

If any of these things are true, you may be harming your sex life.

Your bedroom should be a sacred oasis, devoted either to sleep or sex. Nothing else. There should be no electronics, wires, or screens in your bedroom.

If you can’t get rid of all of your electronic devices, try to carve at least one night a week out of your schedule and claim it as a screen-free “sex date night.”  On sex date night, you don’t have to have sex, but you should focus on your erotic relationship. Turn off your phone. Cover the television. Come out from under your laptop.

Turn your bedroom into a Temple of Eros on sex date night. Cover the lamp with a scarf, light a candle, turn on sexy music, wear something sexy.  Make sex date night different and more sacred than any other night of the week. Make sure you are both committed to the night and the time, regardless of emails, homework, or Netflix. Make your sacred erotic life your priority.

Look at your partner not just as the guy taking the trash out or the woman picking up your children, but as your lover and as your intimate partner.”  Your Boyfriend or girlfriend.

Focus on the Erotic

It’s so easy to fall into a comfortable routine once the excitement of the Honeymoon Phase fades away. Many couples wind up relying on maintenance sex to keep their relationship connected and erotic.  Maintenance sex is what I define as sex on a weekday — not a lot of energy or imagination, using the same positions and maybe more obligatory than passionate.  Without maintenance sex, couples can find themselves in low-sex or sexless relationships (defined as sexual intercourse fewer than 11 times a year).

One of the ways out of this dilemma is to devote focused energy on the erotic connection between the two of you. Interact with your partner the way you did when you were dating when everything was new, hot, and exciting. Send flirty messages throughout the day. Schedule a sex date night every week and do everything you can to keep that date. Make your sex life a priority and make the time you set aside for sex a priority.

Masturbate for a Good Sex Life

Masturbation is healthy, both for you and for your sex life.  Masturbation can help people learn to communicate better in bed, which will be great for your partner, and good for your health as it keeps your heart, immune system, and mood in check.

Talk To Your Partner

Suggestions to improve your sex life can be relatively easy to put into practice. If it’s proving more difficult than you imagined, sometimes the best approach is to find a professional who can guide you and your partner through the more difficult work of reconnecting. A couples therapist can teach you different, more effective problem-solving techniques and sexier communication styles. It’s true that sex is often a casualty of relationship problems. If you’re not talking, if you’re having problems, this can translate into a boring or nonexistent sex life.  This understanding can lead to a deeper, more intimate connection. Once you feel intimately connected, then the sexual intimacy between you can blossom.

For more information on developing an erotic sex life please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]

 

Are You In A Sexless Marriage?

Are You In A Sexless Marriage?  Not that anyone but you should care.  But are you? A more important question is are you getting the amount of sex you want?  Then there’s the question, are you getting the sex you want?  As a Marriage Counselor, I emphasize the importance of a healthy sex life.  It’s an integral part in keeping a relationship happy and content from merely existing eventually morphing into dreaded roommates.  And sometimes, bad roommates, to boot.

As a Marriage Counselor, I believe every couple is different with their own unique set of circumstances so there is no magic number that can tell them how often they should be having sex.  There is no “normal.” Some couples have sex two times a day others have sex two times a month. Rather than talk about how many times a week a couple is having sex I encourage couples to openly discuss what they want from their partners and negotiate a relationship that meets both of their needs.

Some couples I work with have not had sex for several years and as long as ten years.  Here is what statistics show about how often Americans are and are not having sex:

  • Married couples say they have sex an average of 68.5 times a year. That’s slightly more than once a week. — Newsweek 
  • Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters per year than people who have never been married. — Newsweek 
  • 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage. — Newsweek
  • 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today 
  • 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today
  • The majority of studies also find that the longer couples have been married, the less often they have sex – Rao and DeMaris 1995
  • Scientific research has observed a link between sexual frequency and well-being where a sample of self-reported Americans found sexual frequency was a strong positive predictor of happiness. – Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization

The roles of sexuality are different in every relationship.  Sexuality plays an important role in marriage and other long-term relationships.  The attitudes that partners hold about marital sexuality, the amount of sex that they have, their preferences and the kinds of sexual activities in which they engage, and how they communicate with each other about their needs and wants can have a tremendous impact on their level of sexual satisfaction and on their happiness within the relationship in general.  Although there is no right amount of sex that characterizes healthy or satisfying relationships, research suggests, and I confirm with my work in counseling, partners are most satisfied when they have some kind sexual activity to express feelings of love, intimacy, and commitment.  Those who are not getting the sex and love they want tend to feel lonely, disconnected, and eventually fall out of love with their primary partner.  Often times depression is associated with living in a sexless marriage where men and women are affected in similar ways.

When couples find themselves in sexless marriages, the choices include marriage counseling, suffering in silence, having an extramarital affair, or divorce.  For couples who get along reasonably well, or are co-parenting young children, or who want to stay together for financial reasons, an open marriage may be a compromise.

It would be best to get the help needed to be able to start a dialogue about what is needed to move forward as continuing to live in a sexless marriage is not only detrimental to your health, but to your emotional well-being.

For more information about doing just that please contact me at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]

 

 

 

 

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex.  Ladies, men want you to know they don’t always want sex.  As a  Marriage Counselor, I listen to wives say their husbands “always” want “it.”  The main reason problems arise in a couple’s sex life is due to lack of communication and understanding.  Each has their own perspectives about sex.  Finding and understanding those differences is the first step to achieving and maintaining a passionate, healthy, and incredibly fulfilling sex life.  What your husbands really want you to know is that sex means something to them just like sex means something to you.  Often times it’s “I just want you to want me”.

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Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net and imagerymajestic

I want to share this piece of information from Mission:Wife as it includes a lot of what husbands in my practice talk about and want their wives to understand.  It articulates some of their thoughts and can be helpful in putting in perspective what sex means to them and why women experience these behaviors.

As a Marriage Counselor, I help women understand if they can make it a priority to do some of the points below their husbands will be willing to do more of what they ask of them and want to be there for them emotionally, be communicative, and will feel closer to them.  I think #5 is something most wives don’t realize.

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex

  1.  Sex is not optional in his mind To a husband, sex is about right up there on the list with eating and breathing. Can he survive without it? Yes, but why should he? Sex is to the man, what talking/communication is to the woman. If you would ask several wives if it would be ok if their husband didn’t listen or communicate with them for weeks at a time you obviously wouldn’t like that. Frequent sex = happy, attentive, listening, cuddling, caring, talking husband.
  2. Husbands use sex to reconnectThink of it this way: Let’s use the example of a cordless phone (bear with me here). Let’s say the husband is the cordless handset, and the wife is the base. The handset may hold a charge for a while off the base, maybe even for a couple of days. But sooner or later, the handset is going to have to be recharged/reconnected to the base to keep the battery charged, the programming updated, and the phone usable. When your husband comes home from a long day at work, and the first thing on his mind is sex, it’s not that he’s some sort of sex addict, it’s just him longing to “return to his base” and reconnect with his wife in an “I’ve had a long day, and I need assurance that no matter how hard life gets, you and I are ok” way.
  3. He doesn’t always want to be the one asking Most husbands are fine with being the “sexual aggressor” most of the time, but if he is ALWAYS the one that is trying to start something, he starts to feel like you just “put up with him”, and don’t really care about sex. Every husband’s fantasy is to be sitting there on the couch, watching TV or whatever, and have his wife come over out of nowhere (obviously the kids aren’t around), straddle him, and start going at it. He wants to know that his wife DESIRES him sexually, not just PUTS UP WITH HIM sexually.This is a huge boost to his self-esteem and overall confidence.
  4. He thinks you’re GORGEOUS, and you can’t change that – It doesn’t matter how you feel about that leftover baby fat, or how you cringe when you look in the mirror and see those stretch marks – your husband couldn’t care less! He thinks you’re the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, and even when he tells you this, you dismiss it and say stuff like “thanks, hon, but I don’t think so”, or “well, you may feel that way, but nobody else does”. Please don’t do this! Your husband isn’t giving you lip service by telling you he thinks your body is amazing – he truly thinks it is! You have to learn to accept the compliment as being honest and say thank you, instead of trying to play it off.
  5. Sometimes he just wants to look at you NAKED I can already see you rolling your eyes, but hear me out. If your husband is working hard to avert his eyes from every other sexual source besides his wife, not viewing any porn, not checking out the girl on the billboard, etc – he has a God-given need/desire/appetite to admire his wife’s naked body. I know this may seem strange to you, but it’s true. So, when you’re getting dressed in the morning, or ready for bed at night, don’t try to position yourself so he can’t see those parts of you. It’s ok! He’s not going to attack you and want to have sex (as long as you have a regular sex life), he just wants to appreciate your beauty for a little bit! Remember, you are his only sexual source! Wouldn’t you rather have him looking at you than some billboard model? I’ve heard a lot of wives say that they are scared if they allow their husbands to see them nude, they will want to have sex right that minute. If it’s been a week since you’ve made love, this may be true, but if you have sex regularly, sometimes it’s nice for him to just be able to admire what he thinks is the most amazing body he has ever seen. So linger a little while when you bend over to pick up your socks off the floor or let your robe “accidentally” fall open a little when he walks by. Not only will he love it, but you just might find yourself thinking about sex a little more during the day, leading to a greater chance of you desiring intimacy later that night.
  6. He loves it when you surprise him By this I mean do something totally out of the ordinary, just for his benefit, and to see the look on his face. A few examples would be: Going out to dinner, and while you’re waiting for the waitress to seat you, lean over and whisper in his ear “You won’t have to take my panties off later when we get home because I’m not wearing any”. Or after the kids go to bed and you’re going to curl up and watch a movie together, go into your room to “get your PJ’s on” and come back out with no top on, telling him you’re going to need his help keeping warm, because somebody told you it was“topless movie night”. Once you pick his jaw up off the floor, you might just find he isn’t paying much attention to the movie anymore. Another one would be to surprise him when he is taking a shower by jumping in the shower with him that “you’re having a hard time using your hands this morning, so he is going to have to help soap you up today.” I’ve heard several wives say that they love to see the look on their husband’s face when they surprise him like that. You’ll have your husband wondering what’s gotten into you!
  7. If you have to say “no” to sex, watch how you say it I know it seems silly, but you have no idea how hard it is sometimes, for a man to get up the nerve to ask his wife if she wants to have sex. Usually he will try to “test the waters” first, by hinting at it, or maybe a little grab here and there, to see how you’ll respond. All this time there is a little argument going on in his head sounding something like this – “Just ask her! No, last time I asked her flat-out, she rolled her eyes and said something about that’s all I think about. Yeah, but this time it might work. Come on, I really want to make love. Can’t she see that? Maybe I’ll ask her later after dinner. Yeah, I’ll help with the kids and the dishes, and then ask later. (fast forward to 7pm) Ok, see, I got the dishes done, maybe I should hint at it now. Nah, I’ll wait until the kids go to bed. As soon as the kids go to bed, she’ll be able to think about me. She has to know it’s been a couple of days, I’m sure she’ll be ok with it. Right? (The kids go to bed) Ok, I think I’ll ask now! Wait, she looks like she’s got something going there on the computer, I’ll give her some time to get that done. I’ll just ask her when we go to bed, it will be more of a sure bet then anyway. (10pm rolls around, and they’re crawling into bed) Ok, I’m going to ask! “hey hon, do you want to make love?” This is how it goes in a guy’s head when he’s thinking about asking for sex. Why? Because guys have this strange tendency to make sexual rejection (even with a good reason), a personal rejection. Since the need for regular sex with his wife is so much a part of who he is, any rejection, feels like a rejection of HIM to your husband. I know this is hard to understand, and wives don’t mean it that way, but this goes for almost every husband I have ever talked to. Now obviously there are times when you are going to have to say “not tonight hon”, but the key is HOW YOU SAY IT. Don’t do it in a nonchalant or dismissing way. Remember, he has been working up the nerve to ask you for the past several hours most times. When you deny him, say something like this – “Hon, I love to have sex with you, but I just can’t do it tonight because (fill in the blank)” Then if he’s really pent-up, you could offer to help him out in another way besides intercourse, or give him a realistic date to “get a rain check”, like tomorrow morning, or the next evening. That way he feels like you understand he has a legitimate need, he feels like you care, and he feels like you want to help him as soon as possible. You’re still saying “not tonight”, but he doesn’t feel like you don’t care, you’re just blowing him off, or that you think sex is not important. One other thing – sometimes if your husband has been thinking about you all day, and then for whatever reason, you have to turn him down that night, he may feel like he “can’t wait” until tomorrow (no fault of yours , sometimes it’s just hard to turn it off, after it’s on). If you roll over and offer him your help to get a quick release before you go to sleep, he will sleep much better, and you’ll be a hero in your husband’s eyes. You just showed him that you care, even if you can’t offer him sex right now. I can’t understate how much this will mean to him.
  8. He LOVES to see you turned onThere is nothing quite as sexy to a husband, as seeing his wife thoroughly turned on, and enjoying sex. In the same way, there’s nothing quite as discouraging to a husband, as you lay there with an almost bored look on your face, and with the attitude of “would you just get it over with please, so I can go to sleep”. To your husband, his ability to arouse, stimulate, tease, drive you crazy with desire, and help you climax, is a huge part of what he feels his “worth” is as a husband. If he feels like he is failing in bed, he is going to be discouraged in other areas of life too. In contrast, if he feels his wife thinks he’s amazing in the bedroom, he is going to be much more confident and have a “I can conquer the world” attitude. You can help this by showing and telling him (not in a faking it way) how much he turns you on or makes you feel good, as you’re making love. Obviously, he’s not going to do everything right, but make sure you let him know when he DOES hit the right spot or do something you find particularly hot. Now I’ve heard wives ask the question “but what about the times that I’m not really into it, but am doing it because I love my husband, and know he needs it tonight?” Husbands understand you’re not going to have the same drive for sex that he has every time. He gets that. All he’s hoping for when this is the case, and you’re just giving him a “quickie” for release, is to not make him feel like he’s annoying for wanting it, or that he’s interrupting your day and you have so many other things you could be doing. He needs to feel accepted by you, even when you’re not particularly into it this time. Smile and give him that “come here baby, I know you need it and I’m here for you” attitude. Whispering a little encouragement in his ear in the process is a huge bonus too.

Be a student of your husband but the same goes for you wives. Learn and observe what your husband likes in the bedroom. What color of panties/bra does he like best on you? What parts of your body drive him most wild? What turns him on the most? What turns him off? Does he like it when you express yourself loudly when you have sex? What is his favorite position/location? A wife who is willing to learn the ins and outs of what her husband likes most when it comes to sex will have one of the happiest husbands on earth.

What Husbands Want Wives To Know About Sex

Lastly, he loves it when you sexually flirt with him.  Whether it’s the “for his eyes only” text you send him during the workday, suggesting what you’re going to do later, or the surprise little “grab” you give him when he’s helping you dry the dishes after dinner, flirting with your husband this way lets him know you desire him and are thinking about the next time you are going to be together. Little things like wearing cute panties, or a skirt (there’s something about a skirt that drives most husbands wild) with some sexy underwear underneath, go a long way in letting your husband know that you love being his only source of sexual attention, and get a kick out of keeping him guessing with what you’re going to come up with next.  It’s easy to go into “mommy mode” and just wear what’s comfortable and practical, but remember, it drives your husband wild if you give him a little “eye candy” when possible.

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Do You Have Sexual Intelligence?

Do You Have Sexual Intelligence?  There’s a difference between knowing how to have sex and having intelligence about sex. Some people don’t understand either.  As a Marriage Counselor, my couples want sex to be natural and spontaneous.  All the planets have to align before wanting to engage in sex.  Many don’t care for the idea of having to schedule in sex and put in the effort into creating an atmosphere for adult sex so they retreat into what could be considered adolescent sex; having affairs, participating in internet chats, excessive pornography, romance novels, and excessive masturbation.  With sexual intelligence, it requires relearning to experience our sexuality.  What is Sexual Intelligence?  According to author Marty Klein, Sexual Intelligence is “Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness.”

 

He states:

  1. Sexual Intelligence is the ability to keep sex in perspective regardless of what happens during sex.
  2. To get more out of sex, we have to change.  To change we need a different perspective.  Sexual Intelligence is that perspective.
  3. Sexual Intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life: in our twenties, in exploring the sexual world; in our thirties, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our forties, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our fifties, in saying goodbye to youthful sex, in our sixties and  beyond, in creating a new sexual style.

Enjoyable sex isn’t about technique or a perfect or hard body.  It isn’t about being passionately or hopelessly in love. Enjoyable sex is about having some kind of sexual intelligence.  According to Dr. Klein, people want closeness and pleasure from sex yet they focus on and are preoccupied with how they look, what their partner is thinking about, how they are performing, and whether they’re normal.  He states people do more thinking, worrying, and judging than “experiencing” while having sex. Who could possibly be feeling sexy with all that going on in our heads?

Sexual intelligence is what gets you from adolescent sex to adult sex.  With sexual intelligence, you go from hormone-driven sex to the sex you choose. Understanding sex alleviates the need to feel validated through sex and where you learn to validate your own sexuality with that understanding.  In Marriage Counseling, I help couples relax and enjoy sex with the body they have, the partner they have, and in the situation they have.  I say the stars don’t have to be aligned and everything be perfect to have sex.  With sexual intelligence comes an understanding of sex, love, romance, intimacy, and satisfaction.  Of course, we want to pleasure our partner, but we want to receive pleasure too.  To do that we have to work with what we already have.  Our bodies can do what we want them to do.  If not, we work with the challenges and have open communication about what needs to be adjusted to make sex more pleasurable or satisfying.

For more information on becoming more sexually intelligent contact me at (858) 735-1139.

 

 

How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner

How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner.  Most people received their first conversation about sex in public school by a Sex Ed. teacher.  And that most likely wasn’t very helpful as they showed us charts of the male and female reproductive systems while making it all sound so technical.  Then after the class our classmates would share what they know about sex and maybe even bring out some pornographic magazines for visual aid.  Then our parents would try and give us the “sex talk” and that information was probably minimal at best.  And for many people, that was the first and last time they had a sit-down conversation about sex.  So we all know how babies are made.  But do you know how to make the sex between you and your loved one hot and heavy and keep that passion ongoing for the duration of your relationship?

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As a Marriage Counselor I work with Couples who have been married for years and barely ever talk about what they like and don’t like in bed.  Depending on how you were raised talking about sex could have been normalized, awkward or negatively reinforcement.  Talking about our sexual desire, needs, feelings and fantasies with our partner is healthy and necessary as the conversation develops a deeper level of intimacy or emotional connection which leads to a more fulfilling sex life.  For some it may be difficult and embarrassing to talk about sex but it doesn’t have to be.  As a Couples Counselor here is what is incorporated in developing a conversation about what you want from your sex life:

  1. Have an open Dialogue with your partner.
  2. Share your thoughts and feelings about the fact you’re even having a discussion about the subject.
  3. Write down your thoughts if you have to.
  4. Be honest.
  5. Share your fantasies.  You don’t necessarily have to act them out.
  6. Get educated if you don’t know exactly what you want or like or if your relationship could benefit from new ideas.  Reading books, watching a DVD (porn can help).
  7. Be specific as what works for one person may not feel good to another.  Ask your partner what he/she likes and be clear about what feels good to you.
  8. Don’t have the sex talk while having sex or immediately after but during a scheduled time where you set the framework for the conversation.
  9. Use Humor to diffuse any embarrassment.  Laughter is just one more way to build intimacy and draw couples closer together.
  10. Normalize sex talk and be comfortable with your body.

If you want the sex between you and your partner to be more in line with what you’ve been fantasizing about try utilizing the the tips for how to talk about sex.  In Marriage Counseling the first step to getting the sex you want is to start with a dialogue about what sex means to you and what you want more of.  Call me at (858) 735-1139 if you want to start the sex talk.