Are You In A Verbally Abusive Relationship?

Are You In A Verbally Abusive Relationship? I ask the question because women who come to see me complaining about their husbands “acting out” behavior often say they are not.  Abusers, although predominately male, may in some cases be female.  They define the victim’s inner world as if they know the victim’s motive and thoughts, and believe on some level that they are the victim.  This process culminates in an assault on and loss of “self, mind, consciousness, and perception,” rendering the victims convinced that they are to blame for the problems in their relationships. They feel intrinsically flawed and unworthy negatively affecting their self-worth, self-esteem and confidence. This is what Batter Women’s Syndrome is all about.

 

Co-dependency also plays a big part in losing one’s own sense of self. It’s important for women to maintain their sense of self so she doesn’t fall victim to abusers. Healthy relationships consist of independence in an interdependent union where both parties are equal. I work with intelligent women with higher degrees who have fallen victim to the cycle of verbal and/or physical abuse. I had a women attorney with a Ph.D. and MBA who was physically abused two weeks before her wedding. She went through with the wedding because she felt ashamed and protective of her fiance.  If you start your newly married  life like that, what do you think is going to happen in the long run? Needless to say, she divorced after a few years and one child later. Having to co-parent with an abuser is signing up for life long heartache.

You see the signs early on in the relationship. Those “red flags” should not be ignored. Denial will only get you further into a difficult situation to leave. Treatment for an abuser has poor prognosis, especially if there are psychological challenges which is code for “personality disorders.” Here is what you should look for…..then run:

Name Calling

Example: “You idiot, now you have made me angry!”

Condescension

Example: “No wonder you are always moaning about your weight, look how clean your plate is!”

Manipulation

Example: “If you really loved me you wouldn’t say or do that.”

Criticism

Example: “Why are you so disorganized? I can always count on you to ruin our nights out!”

Demeaning Comments

Examples: “I’m not surprised, you are Asian, you all do that” or “You women, always crying stupid tears for nothing.”

Threats

Examples:”I will hurt myself if you leave me tonight” or “If you don’t do that you might find that your cat spends the night outdoors!”

Blame

Examples: “You are the reason why we are never on time for anything!” or “Look what you made me do now!”

Accusations

Examples: “I bet you are cheating on me!” or “I saw you had fun flirting with your boss again, while I was stuck chatting to your boring coworkers.”

Withholding

Example: You are discussing restaurant options and don’t want to go with your partner’s preference. They leave the room and refuse to talk to you until you apologize for being “mean.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting includes discounting a partner’s emotions and making them wonder if their feelings are meaningless and/or wrong. This is a very common form of emotional abuse, and often goes undetected, as it can be discreet and severely manipulative. Gaslighting can make one feel isolated and unable to express their feelings. People being gaslighted often find themselves apologizing for behavior that they never committed.

Examples: “Why are you always so sensitive to everything?” 

Arguments that keeping happening over and over

If your partner constantly disagrees with you, and starts an argument whenever they see an opportunity, or if conversations and arguments seem to go round in circles, leaving you tired and drained, then these are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. People on the receiving end of these types of disagreements tend to feel like they’re walking on eggshells in order to avoid going back to the same argument again and again. We do not need to always agree on everything in a relationship, but there should be a mutual acceptance of this, rather than an atmosphere of one-upping the other or engaging in arguments you can never win.

For a verbally abusive husband to change he needs to be in “recovery.”  Recovery does not include statements like, “I promise to be better,” I’ll do what it takes to be better,” etc. Treatment for moving forward includes behavioral changes. Walk the talk which includes:

A medication evaluation to manage symptoms

  1. Therapy
  2. Anger Management
  3. Consistency with the Behavior Change requested –
  • Give your partner the opportunity to make the necessary adjustments/changes.
  • Give them time to demonstrate either their ability or incapability to make those adjustments (3 – 6 months)
  • If change isn’t happening determine whether there is a “can’t” or “won’t” factor

4. Most importantly the only method for an abuser to change is if he can, and desires to

If you feel like you are constantly on edge and walking on eggshells around your partner, or if some of these patterns feel familiar to you, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. Also, if your trusted friends and/or family are telling you that something is wrong, listen to them! They may be seeing, or hearing, something that you cannot.  By setting boundaries and being honest about how something makes you feel, you can learn to empower yourself in a relationship.

If you would like more information on how to leave an unhealthy relationship, please check out the US Department of Health’s Office on Women’s Health, or call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to get advice.

If you would like to speak to me and get some clarity about your personal situation please call be at (858) 735-1139.

 

Can Your Verbally Abusive Partner Change?

Can Your Verbally Abusive Partner Change? I work with quite a few women who are in abusive relationships. I’m not talking about physical abuse. I’m talking about verbal and emotional abuse. One woman said she didn’t think she was in an abusive relationship. She suffers from Battered Women’s Syndrome but without the physical abuse. If she remains in that relationship it could easily escalate to physical as abusive people have no boundaries.

Highly intelligent women are victims of battered women’s syndrome. I work with women who are doctors, lawyers, scientists, MBA degreed women, etc.  Because these women were pretty much tricked in the early stages of their relationships they naturally formed an emotional bond with these men. It doesn’t mean they are stupid. They were tricked as pre-marriage behavior often  shows up as “best behavior” so the abuser gets what he wants.  In Patricia Evans’ book entitled, “The Verbally Abusive Man Can He Change?” she explains how this happens. She states that counseling is not always helpful. The abusive partner has to want to change. No one can change anyone who doesn’t want to change.

An abusive partner is more likely to change:

  • If he has actualized himself to some degree in the world. ex. he can keep a steady job, earn a living, support his family.
  • If he hasn’t indulged in violent behaviors.
  • If he doesn’t threaten to take the children away from his partner should she choose to end the relationship.
  • If he has an honest character. ex. he has never been convicted of a crime or engaged in fraudulent activities.
  • If he doesn’t pursue other women.

An abusive partner is less likely to change:

  • If he has nothing to lose financially when the relationship ends.
  • If he has behaviors that keep him from facing himself. ex he is an active alcoholic or drug addict.
  • If he has compulsive behavior. ex. gambling or spending.
  • If he has been diagnosed as having a personality disorder, ex. Narcissistic personality disorder, Bi-polar, etc.
  • If he has had affairs during the marriage or committed relationship.
  • If he has a history of physical violence.
  • If he has no friends or emotional connection with anyone.
  • If he is verbally abusive before living with the partner.
  • If he consistently blames other for any problems in his life.
  • If he plays with weapons.
  • If he consistently demonstrates violence.
  • If he mistreats animals.
  • If he teasingly torments a child.
  • If his culture gives him permission to dominate other human beings.
  • And….here’s a clue……If he has said, “I won’t change.”

Ok, so we know the profile of a verbally abusive man (women can be abusive, as well). There is poor prognosis if the majority of the above list is checked.  What to do about it.

What to do if you’ve been tolerating bad behavior:

  1. Give your partner the opportunity to make the necessary adjustments.
  2. Give them time to demonstrate either their ability or incapability to make those adjustments.
  3. If change isn’t happening determine whether there is a “can’t” or “won’t” factor.
  4. Then call me at (858) 7351139.

If the acting out partner cannot or will not make the necessary adjustments for learning to behave appropriately, there is poor prognosis for moving forward and you may have to leave your relationship to move on. Don’t worry, life isn’t over. But, life, as you know it will be. You can free yourself to have the life you really want. It does take courage so get help through your support system and any legal resources to do that.

So the answer to the question…..can your verbally abusive partner change? In my professional and personal opinion……”not likely if he demonstrates most of the above traits.” It takes more than just saying he’ll change.  It takes more than just doing a couple nice things for you.  It takes more than doing a few household chores for a week. Consistency tells the truth.

For more information call me at (858) 735-1139.

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