Warning Signs You’re With An Unavailable Person. As a Couples Counselor I work with men and women who say they want to be in a relationship and eventually want to be married. Some of these individuals happen to be with people who are already married, have a girlfriend or boyfriend, or who don’t want to be in a relationship, and has made that quite clear from the get go. Why then, do they pursue and stay in such a relationship? The intensity of an emotionally or sexually charged feeling you can have with unavailable or commitment phobic individuals can be confused and mistaken for intimacy.
Unrequited love is not a good thing despite the feelings it may give you. For a relationship to work a connection must go both ways. People either can or won’t reciprocate your feelings. It’s never good to put your life on hold for someone who cannot or won’t commit to you. Keep your options open to avoid getting entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships. Look at what is behaviorally going on and not necessarily what is being spoken. Words are not always the truth. Look at the follow through and see if what you are asking for is being met.
Here are some warning signs you are with an unavailable person:
1. They are married or already in a relationship.
2. They can’t or won’t commit and have commitment fears from past relationships.
3. They are emotionally distant or shut down and can’t deal with conflict.
4. They are interested in sex and not relating emotionally or spiritually.
5. They are involved in some kind of substance abuse or sex addiction.
6. They prefer long-distance relationships, texting or emailing rather than face to face communication.
7. Don’t introduce you to family and friends.
8. Have limited contact, are elusive, sneaky and are frequently working or tired.
9. Seductive and make empty promises – their behavior and words don’t match – no follow through.
10. They send mix messages – you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean.
11. They are Narcissistic, only considers their needs not yours.
12. They entice you with their potential to be loving only to withdraw, stringing you along.
As a Marriage Counselor working with Couples and Individuals in Relationships it is apparent people are commitment-phobic for various reasons. Research has shown that people are afraid of being clung to or smothered, which could stem from having had a controlling or abusive parent. Some of the men I work with prefer sex without love as they fear being controlled by feminine energy and rationalize by thinking women need more than they can give. Some of the women I work with keep themselves at a distance due to their fear of intimacy and making themselves vulnerable.
No matter what your issue may about being in a relationship with an unavailable person, remember the electricity can feel incredible and rare, but if any of the warning signs exist, you may be mistaking that intensity for intimacy when in fact it is not the reality.
For more information on healthy relationships and getting the relationship you want please contact me at (858) 735-1139.