women and orgasms Archives

Women And Their Right To Sexual Pleasure. With moving into the 21st Century women are becoming more and more empowered in having a voice. Growing up in the 60’s we had the sexual revolution where the hippies of those days were considered immoral and lacking decent boundaries when it came to adhering to societal norms. During that period of time sexual behavior was no different than as it is today, except sexual populations are open and society is more tolerate of them hoping to normalize what the sexual revolution intended, in positive ways. What people do with their sex lives is their business as long as they are of no harm to themselves or others.

As a marriage counselor, I work with women who want to enjoy their sex life by giving them some sexual intelligence. Throughout history men’s pleasure has been prioritized, often times at the expense of women’s pleasure and even consent. With various women’s movement and the increased awareness of sex positive feminism women are asserting their own sexual pleasure. To do this women need to understand their own desires. Because of the ways in which we are taught and socialized it is difficult to ask for what we want when it comes to having an orgasm. There are different kinds of sex. According to Planned Parenthood, the different kinds of sex include:

Vaginal sex (penis in vagina intercourse)

Oral sex (mouth to genital contact)

Anal sex (penis in butt intercourse)

Fingering or hand jobs (hand to genital contact)

Dry humping or genital rubbing

Masturbation (touching yourself)

In determining your desires it would be good to begin your own sexual empowerment journey. Ask yourself the following questions:

What turns you on
What kind of pleasurable sensations do you like best
Do you masturbate – do you know how to masturbate – are you comfortable doing so
Have you tried masturbating while having sex with your partner
Do you know how to ask for what you like
Do you know what you want during sex
Any shame about your desires
Any shame about the noises you make
Do you compare yourself to supermodels and become intimidated
Do you believe you have the right to your pleasure

Depending on how you grew up sex is typically shame-based, and stems from the belief that it is dirty and sinful. When you can learn the answers to your questions and learn to let go of the shame, embarrassment, and the negative belief that you don’t have a right to your own sexual pleasure you can experience a sexual awakening. Some people never do and will never experience the pleasure that those who do talk about.

For more information on claiming your right to pleasure and developing a sexual empowerment journey contact me at (858) 7835-1139.

Do You “Come” As You Are? The book entitled “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski is a New York bestseller that sheds new science that transforms women’s sex lives. It gives us all a newfound awareness about and respect for everyone’s sexual autonomy. What works to maximize a woman’s sexual well-being is not the same for no two people. Emily Nagoski wrote the book because she was taught all the wrong things about sex while growing up. We all pretty much received bad if any information at all about sex. I for one was told I’m not supposed to have sex before getting married. Explicit messages included shame-based discussions to discourage sex from happening among teens and implicit messages that said you weren’t even supposed to enjoy sex when you were engaging in it as it was exercised to procreate.

Come

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, women of all ages come to talk about their lackluster sex lives or their lack of or low libido. Some come because they have a high sex drive and think there is something wrong with them. When it comes to sex and sexuality, I believe there is no right or wrong way to have an orgasm. What feels good, feels good. Nagoski states, “what you want, what you like, what you need to find” is to look inside or within yourself. That each and every one of us is perfectly okay in our unique ways.

I had my first sexual experience as a teenager with my high school sweetheart who I eventually married after a seven-year dating period. As I was still in high school it was not a pleasant or sexually freeing experience as I had those negative messages ingrained in my mind that sex was not appropriate until marriage. Of course, I didn’t adhere to that message as I always knew I was a free spirit and an individual of free choice and wanted to trust those choices. Regardless, I felt some guilt which in hindsight undermined my sexual process for embracing my sexuality. Needless to say, the “first time” wasn’t good. It hurt and I bled. It was on my bed and I kept nervously waiting, thinking my parents would walk in on us. Not being in the moment can totally kill any orgasm. But, then, who knew what an orgasm felt like? It wasn’t until years later, through masturbation did I get to know what pleasure felt like. And even with masturbation, I felt guilty pleasuring myself because of the messages I received about masturbating. Growing up with Catholic parents, and Asian, to boot, they weren’t messages that said embrace your sexuality.

Come

As a seasoned Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship expert, I understand and appreciate what is needed to have a healthy and fantastic sex life. It starts with how you view yourself and how you feel about your own sexuality. Developing a greater sense of self-includes incorporating an awareness of your sensuality and what you want your Erotic Life to look like. Removing any shame you might carry with you from your childhood about sex and pleasuring yourself is a must. Embrace who you are and what feels good to you. When you feel good you add to your self-actualizing process. Becoming more differentiated (more you than other) helps you know what you like and don’t like in bed. Sex becomes something you know how to give and receive, but more importantly, sex becomes something you allow yourself to enjoy.

For more information on developing an erotic life that works for you please contact me at (858) 735-1139.