Breakups – How To Get Over Them As Fast As Possible

Breakups – How To Get Over Them As Fast As Possible.  Breakups suck and reliving them is either wildly unpleasant or weirdly humorous.  We’ve all gone through them.  Breakups hurt but aren’t the end of the world.  The pain is temporary, and if handled appropriately, can be life changing as we learn from all our past relationships.  Both men and women who go through breakups are consumed with despair, confusion, and anger hence they go through the grief and loss process. They are truly devastated by the end of a relationship that they thought was going to last forever.  Getting over a broken heart is incredibly tough.

ID-10074157
Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net and smarnad

It can also be surprisingly empowering as you become victorious in finally living your own life again without the constant presence of heartache.  If you want to get over your breakup sooner rather than later follow through with these hard fast Commandments suggested by authors Behrendt and Ruotola.

First Commandment:  Don’t see or talk to him/her for sixty days

Second Commandment:  Get yourself a breakup buddy

Third Commandment:  Get rid of his/her possessions and the things that remind you of them

Fourth Commandment:  Get yourself in motion every day

Fifth Commandment:  Don’t wear your breakup out into the world

Sixth Commandment:  No backsliding!

Seventh Commandment:  It won’t work unless you are number one!

This article was written with humor to add levity to a situation as a breakup can really be quite painful.  In Couples Counseling I help Individuals who are broken up acquire the tools to behave like people who are broken up.  It is very tempting to see each other every now and then after a breakup.  People often times still have sex with one another which adds too much confusion and even more difficulty keeping the breakup broken.  If you are broken up, then it is important to behave like a couple who is broken up.  Exercising appropriate behavior will keep you moving forward.  If you would like more information on break up tools and acquiring appropriate break up behavior to help you move forward please give me a call at (858) 735-1139 or email at [email protected]

It’s not an end it’s a beginning.  Call me and let’s get started.

The Truth To Understanding Men

The truth to understanding men.  For ages women have come together over cocktails, coffee, lunch and late night chats to analyze the never ending puzzling behavior of men. Men are technically very simple beings, not complicated at all.  Seldom are there mixed messages.

It’s usually what you see is what you get.  Their actions or behaviors absolutely show how they feel.  Women can spend allot of time and energy trying to figure out what the “hidden” signs or “underlying messages” mean.  When simply put if a guy is into you he’s into you.  If he’s not, he’s not.  His behavior will definitely tell you one way or the other.  No need to take a course in how to tell the difference.  The book entitled “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Behrendt and Tuccillo comically depicts what guys’ behavior really mean and what women should pay attention to so that they stop obsessing over what is and isn’t happening.  Myths about why men aren’t into women include some of the following ridiculous reasons.  He’s just not that into you if:

1.    he’s not asking you out

2.    he’s not calling you

3.    he’s not dating you

4.    he’s not having sex with you

5.    he’s having sex with someone else

6.    if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk

7.    he doesn’t want to marry you

8.    he’s breaking up with you

9.    he’s disappeared on you

10.  he’s married

11.  he’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak

Other reasons women give themselves as excuses are:

1.   maybe he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship

2.   maybe he’s intimidated by me or my profession

3.   maybe he wants to take it slow

4.   but he gave me his number

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you would like them to be.  It’s an infuriating concept but very true.  If the female has to be the aggressor, have to pursue, has to do the asking out 9 out of 10 times, then, more than likely, he’s just not that into you.  Just because that’s so doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that particular female.  Ladies, don’t take it too seriously when men don’t do what they say they are going to do when it comes to courting you.  Develop the skills to be confident and strong enough to move on from these guys who need to find someone they are into.  Just as you will find someone who will be into you because you hold the attractiveness for yourself to lead the right person into your path.

I’m not suggesting you sit around and wait being bored and unhappy.  I am recommending you date men who ask you out and learn from each relationship so when the right person comes along you will know how to behave in that relationship so that it becomes a keeper. Remember look at the behavior.  If he isn’t asking you out or he hasn’t asked you out again, more than likely he just isn’t that into you.  Move on and find someone who is.  It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.  It just means there wasn’t a connection. Oh well….next.

If you would like help in discerning what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior when it comes to dating please give me a call at (858) 735-1139 or email me at [email protected]

 

 

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage or Relationship?  There are many reasons why an affair occurs. It is most important to understand that an affair affects both people in a relationship.  The healing process can lead a couple to deeper levels of intimacy or a closeness they’ve never shared before.  For Couples who want to rebuild their relationship after one partner has had an affair it is imperative both parties, despite their own personal pain, try and look within themselves to see how their own behavior contributed to the demise of the once happy and working union.  I am not suggesting the Hurt Partner is to blame in any way.

Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

I am only recommending taking a look at how each person in the partnership may have brought implicit or explicit neglect or abuse into the spiraling down dynamics of their relationship.  I’m not talking about chronic Philanderers or people who have continuous affairs, they’re in an entirely different category.  I’m referring to those who have had an isolated incident in one affair that is creating the need for change within the relationship.

In working with couples who do take a look at their individual part of this devastating situation prognosis is typically better than those who would rather blame the person who had the affair by continuing to berate that person in how they have made their life miserable. Do Affairs Really Have To End A Marriage?

When you’re ready to take a look at what happened to the relationship it would be good to seek the help of a Marriage Counselor or Couples Counselor who specializes in Affair Recovery and helping couples get through the process of determining whether they can or want to stay together or move on.  In Couples Counseling the couple will need to acknowledge the problems prior to the affair as sometimes the affair could be a symptom of some other underlying problem.  Just because infidelity strikes your marriage doesn’t mean it has to end in a separation or divorce.  Often times an affair can be the best thing that ever happened to a relationship as it brings an end to a relationship that wasn’t working and gives the couple an opportunity to develop a new relationship by developing a New Monogamy.

A new monogamy explicitly says what is wanted and what is not wanted in moving forward. It helps with affair prevention because both parties discuss and document the specifics on how to behave more appropriately. Marriages don’t have to end because someone stepped out and had an affair.  Marriages don’t have to end due to betrayal.  I have been providing affair recovery services for over 20 years. Because the couples I work with allow me to take them through the affair recovery process, I have a more than 90% success rate. Very few divorce. Nobody wants to leave their primary relationship. Couples have a history together, some may have children, financial resources, and great memories. Affair recovery puts things into perspective, and with time marriages are salvaged.

 

For more information on developing the relationship you have always wanted please call me (858) 735-1139.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage? Are Threesomes Good For Your Relationship?  Threesomes may or may not be good for marriages. I’ve been working with a Couple in Marriage Counseling who have been married for 7 years. In their third year they wanted to try a Three way at the request of her husband with another female. After careful thought and consideration they both decided to go forward with his fantasy. Remember fantasies are to be discussed first where both partners are made to feel comfortable before putting anything into action.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Initially the dynamics of three ways was working reasonable well. The sexual component was to everyone’s liking and no one felt left out. It wasn’t until the husband and the third person started to engage in extra encounters with one another without informing the wife.This made for secretive behavior and distrust became an issue for the wife. A betrayal had been committed as the initial agreement stated all would be present when engaging in sexual activity.

During the affair between the husband and 3rd person a mutual feeling of infatuation and feelings of love developed.  This is common as the couple is still in the Honeymoon Phase of the relationship.  The sexual tension creates even more desire for one another fueling the intense feelings of arousal and desire.  The wife feeling betrayed in this once agreed upon arrangement is now the Hurt party as her husband is now having an affair with this third person who was initially utilized to add sexual arousal and desire to their own relationship.

So the question is do Three ways work? They can IF the Couple is able to have an honest discussion about what they want from the experience and how they go about executing it. Often times a three way is desired to add variety and arousal to an already satisfactory sex life.  It can also enhance the sexual experience for those who want to explore an open relationship. The mere fact that someone else desires our partner makes them even more attractive to us resulting in a more heightened sexual encounter/experience.  As long as the couple understands the third person is to ENHANCE their sex and not replace one another throughout the process. Keeping the communication open between the couple before, during and after the physical activities should keep their relationship in check.

Are Three Ways Good For Your Marriage?

Some people believe it is possible to love more than one person and engage in loving making (sex) with those individuals which makes for a Polyamorous relationship.  Polyamory (from Greek, meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  It is distinct from swinging, which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational.  3-Ways are distinct from swinging in that swinging involves multiples partners for each with their own set of agreements.  three ways typically include two females and a male or two males and a female.

Whatever the combination in Couples Counseling I help Couples understand that it is vitally important to make implicit expectations explicit to keep the integrity in their relationship. For more information please call me at (858) 735-1139

Why Married Men Don’t Cheat

Why Married Men Don’t Cheat.  According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy dated 9/8/2013 22% of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.  There have been many articles written by experts in the field as to why men cheat.  In 1995, Sheppard, Nelso & Andreoli-Mathie, reported men cheat because they are unsatisfied sexually.  Another study reported men cheat due to a lack of communication, understanding, and sexual incompatibility, (Roscoe, Cavanaugh, & Kennedy 1988). Marital dissatisfaction was the main reason cited in the 20th Century for infidelity for both male and female, however, there are many other reasons why men cheat and not just because they “can.”  There are also reasons why men don’t cheat.  A recent  article in AARP magazine by Joe Queenan takes a look into the mind of the male monogamist.  He states some men stay in their marriages without the stain of infidelity because men are:

Incredibly Lazy

As my ex-husband once said, “I’d never cheat because I’m too lazy, having an affair would be too much work.”  Men like to relax after a hard days work.  Downloading in their Man Cave drinking a beer, watching sports, on their computer, etc.  Romance, by contrast, is allot of work.  You have to shower, smell good, shave, exercise courtship behavior like buy flowers, go on dates and engage in conversation.  Cheating would require all of the above times two, the wife and the mistress.  Extramarital affairs are too exhausting if you consider wanting to make both women happy.

Startlingly Ugly

According to Queenan, “You might see a 10 with an 8, or an 8 with a 5, but you never see a 9 with a 2.”  That’s the reason unattractive men do not cheat on their wives.  “An ugly man is so happy that he found one woman willing to gaze at his dreadful countenance for the next 40 years” that he’s grateful and isn’t willing to risk everything by cheating on her.

Cheap

Taking women out on dates require a fair amount of financial resources and that’s additional money from the household income.  Often times men having affairs spend money on the same presents and dates for both their wives and mistresses.

Fearful of getting caught

Men know they aren’t as good at multitasking as most women and also know they don’t have that great of memory or are very organized.  So “shady” behavior like engaging in an affair is too risky in that they may get caught and don’t want to deal with the consequences of getting caught.

Under the assumption Affairs are time-consuming

There aren’t enough hours in the day to maintain an extramarital affair as having a mistress exerts as much energy as having a wife and family at home.  Their individual time gets narrowed down to no time and nobody gets the best of his time, not even himself.

(Bores) and can’t get dates

Just like the unattractive guys, boring guys are happy that they are able to find one woman who finds them half way interesting and although may think about cheating couldn’t find anyone interested in them to take them on.

They’ve seen the movie “Fatal Attraction” and bottom line they aren’t really good at it.

Neuropsychologist state there’s an area in the brain located in the frontal lobe that supports self-control processes.  These processes are referred to as “executive functions” and involve the ability to plan, inhibit or delay responding.  Resisting the temptation to cheat requires cognitive (thinking) effort. If you possess a high level of executive control, you probably are less likely to cheat on your partner as your way of thinking includes more inhibition and delayed immediate gratification capability opposed to someone with less executive control.  Whenever someone must focus hard on a task and ignore distractions, this area is particularly active. The extent to which these areas of the brain light up predicts a lot of important outcomes, including whether people are likely to follow the rule norms of society, resist a wide variety of temptations, and engage in risky behaviors.

Other Reasons Married Men Don’t Cheat have to do with character and good moral judgement.  A few to mention include:

Commitment to sexually exclusive monogamy

Integrity – a promise was made to vows; a commitment was given to exclusivity

Happy with wife – being in love their wife enhances the faithfulness

Don’t want to feel guilty

Civilized – the behavior of being unfaithful may be indicative to the contrary

Their wife doesn’t give them any reason to stray

Their father cheated on their mother and they don’t want to become like their cheater father –  repeating history and hurting other loved ones besides the hurt partner

Don’t want to possibly contract a sexually transmitted disease

Not empowering

The bottom line in deciding to engage in an affair happens to be a personal choice.  In Marriage Counseling I hear various reasons why affairs started.  They range from reasonable and understandable to the ridiculous.  As a Therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery, I believe affairs are symptoms of other problems that are being acted inappropriately when the initial step to prevent such behavior would be to talk to your partner about your feelings and go from there.  Marriage Therapy can give you the opportunity to talk about what you want in your relationship and how you can integrate that part of yourself that you feel while engaging in an affair.  Whilst married men who do not engage in affairs apparently are able to manage that part of themselves there are some who are not.  Bravo to those who can.

Please call me if you would like to understand more about affairs and why they happen at (858) 735-1139.