What Is Breakup Sex?

What Is Breakup Sex? Breakup sex is the bittersweet, passionate sex you have with your partner shortly after or shortly before breaking up with them. Some people consider breakup sex to be even better than make-up sex. The exciting nature of “goodbye” sex is due to its unique circumstances: This is the last chance to enjoy sex with each other. Sometimes breakup sex can be the best sex ever. In other words, “one for the road,” “the last hurrah.”

goodbye kiss

Couple kissing during breakup sex

The psychology behind breakup sex reveals why this questionable decision can feel super hot and awesome in the moment. Sex is exciting when their are no other expectations than arriving at an orgasm. Breakup sex can also be some form of denial that the relationship will actually be over. Having breakup sex can be seen as an implicit way of saying the relationship is not over.

Breakup sex as one facet in the drawn-out process of ending a relationship. Most people think relational collapses are an immediate event when in fact, they aren’t.  Instead, breaking up is part of an ongoing process.  And having sex one last time can be an important part of letting go of that person. Sometimes it helps couples find closure in a healthy way. Breakup sex helps a couple move past feelings of sadness and literally feel better. It can be healing because it has the power to validate certain parts of the relationship that may have once worked well.

Sometimes breakup sex can be a last ditch effort to save the relationship. If the decision is to terminate their relationship break up sex could be a means to engage in sex after their breakup. And to have what is also known as “friends with benefits” and “hook-ups.”

With the release of Dopamine, people can feel close to their sex partners.  It’s important to understand that sex with or without an emotional connection can weigh heavy on our psyche.

For more information about breakup sex contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex?

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex? For some couples sex after arguing/fighting is almost like verbal foreplay. Makeup sex is sexual intercourse after conflict in intimate relationships. Conflict can range from minor arguments to breaking up. Sex under these circumstances can be emotionally charged and gratifying. Emotional significance can be conceived as a physical expression of reconciliation and rediscovery of a partner’s cathartic experience of a fight (psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions). Often times makeup sex can resolve underlying conflicts.

Makeup sex

Makeup sex:

  • Can make you feel more connected because you survived a challenging situation (fight)
  • The anger/aggression after fighting is energy that fuels high emotions turning good sex into hot sex
  • Sex can be used as an apology, the wronged partner overcompensates and makes sex a great experience
  • Is a band aid in dealing with the underlying issues
  • Restores the feeling of connectedness due to the release of Dopamine 

Couples therapist

Romantic conflict can increase feelings of sexual desire. Increased sexual desire is high due to the fear of losing the relationship. The experience can be psychologically threatening. Feeling threatened activates our biologically-based attachment system. This system keeps our important relationships intact. It motivates us to increase our sense of closeness and security with important people in our lives, such as our intimate partner.

The difference between couples who feel like roommates and couples who feel intimacy is the ability to share thoughts and feelings, ask for what they need and want, and avoid being conflict avoidant. Expressing feelings makes for being vulnerable and being vulnerable makes for intimacy. Fighting takes a lot of energy. That energy is a range full of emotions. When couples tell me they never fight I find their relationship suspect. Being cordial suppresses emotions that need to be expressed. The lack of sharing those emotions keeps couples from feeling intimacy.  Although fighting is not an appropriate means for resolving conflict, it does make for highly charged feelings.

For more information about makeup sex please go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

 

Reclamation Sex – what exactly is it?

Reclamation Sex – what exactly is it? What is reclamation? Simply put, reclamation is the process of claiming something back or of reasserting a right. For example, “the reclamation of our shared history.” Reclamation sex in Affair Recovery is when the affair partner and the hurt partner engage in sex after an affair is discovered or disclosed.  As a marriage therapist and affair recovery specialist, couples come in to see if they can or want to salvage their marriage. “Should I stay or should I go” is a question the hurt partner wants desperately to know. During the initial session where both share their narratives they say they are having sex with each other despite the range of emotions from the affair. They say they have been having more sex with each other than ever before. Both feel it is an implicit message to one another that the affair will be resolved and they will get back to their normal lives. They think having a lot of sex with each other during recovery minimizes the affair partner’s behavior and repairs the problems that lead to the affair.

photo credit: Natalia Mindru Photomicona
couple exercising reclamation sex after an affair

This is far from being true. Sex is happening because the partners want to reclaim their love for each other. They want to reclaim their bodies to each other as there exists a breach in physical boundaries. The act of sex is symbolic in that they are the primary relationship and any third party is not part of union. The hurt partner may be having a lot of sex to keep the affair partner from any more contact with the “lover.” The “other woman” presents a threat to the primary relationship, and as a dog marks its territory so does do the people in affair recovery. The affair partner may be having a lot of sex to make up for the guilt and shame and to show remorse for devastating the hurt partner. Showing each other physical intimacy helps reassure any insecurities for the time being.

In affair recovery we talk about the reasons for the affair. The process helps the affair partner gain some insight to his/her behavior and why he/she went down that bad road. To be able to articulate that insight to the hurt partner while the hurt partner learns to appropriately manage their emotions is the single best indicator that prognosis will be good.

Couples therapist

Having sex with your partner after an affair is actually quite normal. There is no judgement or criticism while in affair recovery. Information gathering to obtain insight is crucial to recovery. And having sex in the meantime doesn’t necessarily mean one way or the other for the future of the relationship.

For more information about reclamation sex and affair recovery please visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

Dating With An STI – How To Have The Conversation

Dating With An STI – How To Have The Conversation. Dating With A Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) isn’t easy. Herpes is the most common STI among the single clients I work with. More than one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes. Genital herpes is a common sexually transmitted infection that any sexually active person can get. Most people with the virus don’t have symptoms. Even without signs of the disease, herpes can still be spread to sex partners. According to the World Health Organization, 3.7 billion people under the age of fifty have herpes simplex virus type 1. That’s about 67 percent of the global under-fifty population. Some people have the virus and are asymptomatic; some have symptoms that are dormant for years and manifest through stress. Anyone with a history of unprotected sex may fall into that percentage.

dating with an STI

Dating with  an STI

Most people who have Herpes have accepted their contracting the condition. There is no cure for herpes. However, there are medicines that can prevent or shorten outbreaks. One of these anti-herpes medicines can be taken daily, and makes it less likely that you will pass the infection on to your sex partner(s).  Stress can bring about an outbreak, but isn’t a life threatening.  The shame of having an STI’s resonates with single people as they feel the shame about disclosing it to new partners.  Single people dating find it uncomfortable to disclose they have Herpes. There is a certain amount of shame that comes with sexually transmitted diseases. It gives the connotation individuals are promiscuous and irresponsible when it comes to safe sex.

As a marriage and family therapist, specializing in working with couples, I normalize the feelings associated with dating with an STI. First of all, more people than you think have an STI. Secondly, who you share this information with is confidential. And third, no one is perfect and mistakes do happen.  It shows great courage and integrity to share the truth about living with an STI.

Dating with an STI

It is better to share the fact sooner rather than later as later presents as lying by omission. But, I get it, hesitation stems from shame and guilt. Rise above any stigma as you are not defined by your past. It’s what you do with your future that’s important. Honesty is always the best policy. If the person you share this information with is not understanding, it’s better to move on before any emotional connection is made.

Couples therapist

Furthermore, if dating with an STI is too anxiety provoking there are dating sites who cater to people with like kind situations.

For more information please contact me through my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

How To Leave A Bad Relationship

How To Leave A Bad Relationship. Relationships don’t have to be bad to end. As a marriage counselor, I say if your relationship isn’t working for you make a change that starts with you. Waiting for your partner to make a change isn’t likely to happen, especially if they don’t think anything is wrong. If you’ve been tolerating bad behavior….stop. The first step in making changes is to ask for it. To do that you must ask for a behavioral change.

Couple in a bad relationship

Steps for asking for behavioral change:

  1. Tell your partner you don’t appreciate him yelling and calling you names (verbal abuse)
  2. Tell him you are asking for a behavioral change.
  3. Ask him to please stop yelling and calling me names.
  4. Give your partner the opportunity to make the necessary adjustments.
  5. Give her time to demonstrate either her ability or incapability in making the adjustments (2 mos)
  6. If change isn’t happening determine whether there is a “can’t” or “won’t” factor.
  7. If it’s a “can’t” there could be psychological challenges hindering the change.
  8. If it’s a “won’t” it could be code for “I don’t want to.”
  9. Both present as problems so getting professional help can identify what it is.

Couples therapist

In loving and respectful relationships behavioral changes can happen. It’s important to set limits for yourself so you don’t continue to tolerate the abuse. Meaning, if you say you are not going to tolerate ill behavior, you will leave the room and give yourself and your partner a time-out.  You will reconvene and have a discussion that the bad behavior is not acceptable. A loving and rational partner will apologize and admit his behavior was inappropriate. You thank him and all is well. If this is not the case, you will continue to observe behavior to indicate whether this relationship is working for you.

If you are having difficulty leaving when you know it’s what you need and want to do there could be some personal issue keeping you from doing it. Contact me at (858) 735-1139 and I can help assess what psychological challenges are hindering a reasonable decision.