What Is Breakup Sex?

What Is Breakup Sex? Breakup sex is the bittersweet, passionate sex you have with your partner shortly after or shortly before breaking up with them. Some people consider breakup sex to be even better than make-up sex. The exciting nature of “goodbye” sex is due to its unique circumstances: This is the last chance to enjoy sex with each other. Sometimes breakup sex can be the best sex ever. In other words, “one for the road,” “the last hurrah.”

goodbye kiss

Couple kissing during breakup sex

The psychology behind breakup sex reveals why this questionable decision can feel super hot and awesome in the moment. Sex is exciting when their are no other expectations than arriving at an orgasm. Breakup sex can also be some form of denial that the relationship will actually be over. Having breakup sex can be seen as an implicit way of saying the relationship is not over.

Breakup sex as one facet in the drawn-out process of ending a relationship. Most people think relational collapses are an immediate event when in fact, they aren’t.  Instead, breaking up is part of an ongoing process.  And having sex one last time can be an important part of letting go of that person. Sometimes it helps couples find closure in a healthy way. Breakup sex helps a couple move past feelings of sadness and literally feel better. It can be healing because it has the power to validate certain parts of the relationship that may have once worked well.

Sometimes breakup sex can be a last ditch effort to save the relationship. If the decision is to terminate their relationship break up sex could be a means to engage in sex after their breakup. And to have what is also known as “friends with benefits” and “hook-ups.”

With the release of Dopamine, people can feel close to their sex partners.  It’s important to understand that sex with or without an emotional connection can weigh heavy on our psyche.

For more information about breakup sex contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex?

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex? For some couples sex after arguing/fighting is almost like verbal foreplay. Makeup sex is sexual intercourse after conflict in intimate relationships. Conflict can range from minor arguments to breaking up. Sex under these circumstances can be emotionally charged and gratifying. Emotional significance can be conceived as a physical expression of reconciliation and rediscovery of a partner’s cathartic experience of a fight (psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions). Often times makeup sex can resolve underlying conflicts.

Makeup sex

Makeup sex:

  • Can make you feel more connected because you survived a challenging situation (fight)
  • The anger/aggression after fighting is energy that fuels high emotions turning good sex into hot sex
  • Sex can be used as an apology, the wronged partner overcompensates and makes sex a great experience
  • Is a band aid in dealing with the underlying issues
  • Restores the feeling of connectedness due to the release of Dopamine 

Couples therapist

Romantic conflict can increase feelings of sexual desire. Increased sexual desire is high due to the fear of losing the relationship. The experience can be psychologically threatening. Feeling threatened activates our biologically-based attachment system. This system keeps our important relationships intact. It motivates us to increase our sense of closeness and security with important people in our lives, such as our intimate partner.

The difference between couples who feel like roommates and couples who feel intimacy is the ability to share thoughts and feelings, ask for what they need and want, and avoid being conflict avoidant. Expressing feelings makes for being vulnerable and being vulnerable makes for intimacy. Fighting takes a lot of energy. That energy is a range full of emotions. When couples tell me they never fight I find their relationship suspect. Being cordial suppresses emotions that need to be expressed. The lack of sharing those emotions keeps couples from feeling intimacy.  Although fighting is not an appropriate means for resolving conflict, it does make for highly charged feelings.

For more information about makeup sex please go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

 

Dating With An STI – How To Have The Conversation

Dating With An STI – How To Have The Conversation. Dating With A Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) isn’t easy. Herpes is the most common STI among the single clients I work with. More than one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes. Genital herpes is a common sexually transmitted infection that any sexually active person can get. Most people with the virus don’t have symptoms. Even without signs of the disease, herpes can still be spread to sex partners. According to the World Health Organization, 3.7 billion people under the age of fifty have herpes simplex virus type 1. That’s about 67 percent of the global under-fifty population. Some people have the virus and are asymptomatic; some have symptoms that are dormant for years and manifest through stress. Anyone with a history of unprotected sex may fall into that percentage.

dating with an STI

Dating with  an STI

Most people who have Herpes have accepted their contracting the condition. There is no cure for herpes. However, there are medicines that can prevent or shorten outbreaks. One of these anti-herpes medicines can be taken daily, and makes it less likely that you will pass the infection on to your sex partner(s).  Stress can bring about an outbreak, but isn’t a life threatening.  The shame of having an STI’s resonates with single people as they feel the shame about disclosing it to new partners.  Single people dating find it uncomfortable to disclose they have Herpes. There is a certain amount of shame that comes with sexually transmitted diseases. It gives the connotation individuals are promiscuous and irresponsible when it comes to safe sex.

As a marriage and family therapist, specializing in working with couples, I normalize the feelings associated with dating with an STI. First of all, more people than you think have an STI. Secondly, who you share this information with is confidential. And third, no one is perfect and mistakes do happen.  It shows great courage and integrity to share the truth about living with an STI.

Dating with an STI

It is better to share the fact sooner rather than later as later presents as lying by omission. But, I get it, hesitation stems from shame and guilt. Rise above any stigma as you are not defined by your past. It’s what you do with your future that’s important. Honesty is always the best policy. If the person you share this information with is not understanding, it’s better to move on before any emotional connection is made.

Couples therapist

Furthermore, if dating with an STI is too anxiety provoking there are dating sites who cater to people with like kind situations.

For more information please contact me through my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

What Exactly Is Normal Sex?

What Exactly Is Normal Sex? As a Marriage Counselor I get asked a lot of questions about relationships and sex. The most frequent question is what is normal sex? When I was in my mid-twenties and married to my first husband I thought normal sex was having sex about two times a month. It wasn’t until I was divorcing him that I confided in my mother and told her that. My mother, a devout Catholic, who never talked to us about sex, let alone what is normal sex, was shocked at what I had shared. She responded, “even me and your dad have more sex than that.” I was shocked to have heard that. I was either naive or lacked the intimacy needed in a healthy relationship and didn’t care for sex. The latter actually became the enlightenment as I came to appreciate sex as a healthy and enjoyable thing.

People want to know how often they should be having sex and what kind. They also want to know what sex is like for other people. I’ve been a Marriage Counselor for over 25 years and I say “there is no normal.” Each and every person has their own thoughts and wants about sex. Why compare yourself? Do what feels comfortable for you. Every couple I work with has their own set of circumstances to problems they present. There is no “one size fits all,” answer when it comes to quantity and quality of your sex life. But I get it, people want to know where they stand in the data researched or spectrum from daily sex to occasional sex. If your sex life is working for you, then wonderful. If it isn’t what others are doing is not irrelevant.

According to Marty Klein, certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist, he, too, refuses to answer the question, “what is normal sex,” although not with numbers. In America, this is what he says sexually normal is:

  • Adults have sex when they are tired
  • Many people are not sober during (of before) sex
  • Even intimates are often unsure what their partner likes
  • Many people using Viagra hide it from their partner

Dr. Klein also writes about having Sexual Intelligence. Sexual Intelligence is “Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness.” Meaning the planets don’t have to be perfectly aligned to have sex. Sexual Intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life: in our twenties, in exploring the sexual world; in our thirties, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our forties, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our fifties, in saying goodbye to youthful sex, in our sixties and  beyond, in creating a new sexual style.

So basically what’s normal is what you want. Having conversations about what you both want and don’t want in bed is key to making your sex life normal for you.

To learn how to talk about sex and what you want sexually give me a call at (858) 735-1139 and get the conversation rolling.

 

 

How to Survive in an Unhappy Marriage

broken heart

The divorce rate in the US is said to be around 2.9 per 1,000 people, while the marriage rate is only 6.5 per 1,000 people – this means that almost half of all marriages end in divorce rather than long-lasting love. However, this also suggests that over half of marriages do work out positively, signifying that it is more than possible to ensure your relationship can continue for many years to come. Whether this relationship is enjoyable or not depends on the two individuals that chose to commit to one another, as unhappy marriages seem to be prevalent amongst many people experiencing issues with trust, arguments, and more sensitive problems that most definitely drove a wedge between them. Fortunately, there’s affair recovery that can be an excellent solution marriage problems.

So, if you find yourself in a similarly tricky situation, then you may begin wondering what you can do to tackle your unhappy marriage and begin to move forward to a more romantic and rewarding place. Luckily, there are several interesting concepts and ideas that you might benefit from exploring, all of which could help you to re-ignite that special spark in your relationship and encourage you and your partner to see eye-to-eye once more. 

Are you in an unhappy marriage? Couple’s Counselor San Diego can help.

a group of people holding hands

Discover New Ways of Connecting 

One of the best things that you can do to improve your marriage when things get tricky is to find new ways to connect. After several years in the same relationship, it’s so common for people to become comfortable and forget about the effort and energy they once both put into impressing their better half. Putting a stop to your exploration of the world together, whether this comes down to being too much work, a lack of time, or any other excuse, can put a real strain on your relationship and take away that all-important spark that keeps things interesting. It’s so vital that e you can dedicate a portion of your time to your other half and find something which you will both enjoy that can be done together in a fun, romantic manner. Some simple examples include cooking a luxurious meal in the kitchen, heading to the gym together for a joint workout, or booking a class at your local community center or college to try out an activity such as painting or pottery. Just creating the opportunity to connect on a one-on-one basis with your spouse will give you the chance to speak more freely while having fun at the same time, and it shows a little dedication to improving your marriage too. 

Related: Date Night Questions to Reconnect

smiling woman with happy face balloon

Always Try Being Positive 

Negativity is poison in any kind of relationship, as there’s genuinely nothing worse than being around a person who is continually pessimistic and can quickly turn a situation sour. Being more positive will benefit your relationship in many ways. Taking an optimistic approach will decrease the likelihood of petty arguments and keep things light and breezy rather than heavy and gloomy. It can be tough to be a positive person when there are so many obstacles looking to drag you down, but letting these issues float over your head will allow you to focus on one of the essential things in life – making your marriage work. Being negative can make even the most amazing moments seem unbearable, and adopting such an attitude will not provide you with many benefits when it comes to improving your unhappy marriage. 

Develop Your Interests 

It’s a great idea to begin developing your interests and social life outside of your marriage, as this can give you something different to look forward to while also making time with your spouse to feel much more critical. Spending too much time with someone can encourage you to fall into a vicious cycle that focuses on both of your negative traits. Alternatively, heading out regularly to gain some time apart can make you appreciate your partner far more when you finally come home to them after a long day separated. Channeling your energy into something that you are genuinely interested in can also encourage you to become a happier person. You will have the chance to experience many more fun activities that you can use as conversation starters with your other half. Leading your own life as well as living with your spouse is a difficult task to balance, but once you have it right, your relationship can begin to blossom and flower. 

Related: Don’t Lose Your Sense of Self

a married couple making heart shapes with hands

Remember Why You Started

Although you may feel unhappy in your marriage now, there must have been many reasons for your relationship to bloom in its initial stages for you to both decide to take it to the next level. You wouldn’t marry someone you didn’t like, so think back to why you started this journey together in the first place to attempt to re-ignite the passion you had in the early days of your relationship. It’s a good idea to spend some time discussing your past with your partner, as this can stir up positive memories that you both can recall. That may bring the spark to your marriage once more – it can be genuinely inspiring to converse about the romantic gestures of the past, as it may encourage you or your partner to get back to their old self and improve your relationship. 

Related: Is Your Relationship Romantic Enough?

Visit A Couple’s Counselor 

A great way to gain the opportunity to express your feelings in a calm and controlled manner is to visit a couple’s counselor. They can provide a safe space in which you can talk through your issues and gain support and advice from an expert, which could potentially transform your marriage into a happy, positive relationship that you truly enjoy. Searching for a respected couple’s counselor in San Diego is so simple, and you’re likely to begin seeing improvements after your very first session. Releasing some of the pressure will no doubt help you both to get back on track. 

Troubles with your marriage? Couple’s Counselor San Diego can help.