When Are People Most Likely To Cheat?

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat? There appears to be a rise in infidelity with social media and a plethora of dating/hookup sites available at a click of a switch or a swipe of a hand.  Men and women cheat for many different reasons. Some men are looking for friendships in affairs while some women are looking for affection and vice versa.  As a Marriage Counselor and Affair Recovery Specialist, I’ve come to believe people cheat because sometimes it’s just easier to be different with a different person.  There are many facets of our selves. Infidelity keeps some of those facets alive when others have become numb. There are signs that indicate whether or not a partner is cheating. We often associate summer with flings and fun, but new data shows it’s also the season for something a little more sinister, like the most popular time for cheating.

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat?

When Are People Most Likely To Cheat? Time of year is one sign.  According to Daniel Kruger, evolutionary psychologist, there is a surge in cheating during the summer months as warmer weather enables people to socialize more.  With more exposure to the sun there is an increased level of serotonin where people feel happier.

With sun exposure during those summer months people tend to feel more confident making it easier to kick start the decision to start an affair, allowing them to feel better about their decision. Dr. Kruger states, “increased chances to be unfaithful” during summer months enables the rise of affairs to the fact that people are generally more social in warmer weather.

Travelling makes for possible high risk to cheat.  Being away from your partner makes for convenience and access to having an affair.  Business trips can be stressful and finding a partner for a one night stand is not unusual.

Disharmony within the primary relationship can make infidelity more of a reality than a fantasy.  When couples don’t feel emotionally or physically connected a third person can become a substitute for that loss.

Many people cheat so they can remain in their relationship/marriage.  The reasoning being they want to keep their family together.  Not all people who engage in affairs are disgruntled in their relationship.  Some people just want to feel something different or manage a non physical or emotional disconnect.

For information about when people are more likely to cheat  contact me at (858) 735-1139.

What Is Breakup Sex?

What Is Breakup Sex? Breakup sex is the bittersweet, passionate sex you have with your partner shortly after or shortly before breaking up with them. Some people consider sex after a break up to be even better than make-up sex. The exciting nature of “goodbye” sex is due to its unique circumstances: This is the last chance to enjoy sex with each other. Sometimes sex after a break up can be the best sex ever. In other words, “one for the road,” “the last hurrah.”

goodbye kiss

what is breakup sex

The psychology behind sex after a break up reveals why this questionable decision can feel super hot and awesome in the moment. Sex is exciting when their are no other expectations than arriving at an orgasm. Sex after a breakup can also be some form of denial that the relationship will actually be over. Having sex can be seen as an implicit way of saying the relationship is not over.

Breakup sex is one facet in the drawn-out process of ending a relationship. Most people think relational collapses are an immediate event when in fact, they aren’t.  Instead, breaking up is part of an ongoing process.  And having sex one last time can be an important part of letting go of that person. Sometimes it helps couples find closure in a healthy way.  Making love after a break up validates the good parts of the relationship before its demise. It can help a couple move past feelings of sadness and literally feel better. It can be healing because it has the power to validate certain parts of the relationship that may have once worked well.

Sometimes breakup sex can be a last ditch effort to save the relationship. If the decision is to terminate their relationship sex could be a means to engage in sex after their breakup. And to have what is also known as “friends with benefits” and “hook-ups.”

With the release of Dopamine, people can feel close to their sex partners.  It’s important to understand that sex with or without an emotional connection can weigh heavy on our psyche.

For more information about breakup sex contact me at CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex?

What Exactly Is MakeUp Sex? For some couples sex after arguing/fighting is almost like verbal foreplay. Makeup sex is sexual intercourse after conflict in intimate relationships. Conflict can range from minor arguments to breaking up. Sex under these circumstances can be emotionally charged and gratifying. Emotional significance can be conceived as a physical expression of reconciliation and rediscovery of a partner’s cathartic experience of a fight (psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions). Often times makeup sex can resolve underlying conflicts.

Makeup sex

Makeup sex:

  • Can make you feel more connected because you survived a challenging situation (fight)
  • The anger/aggression after fighting is energy that fuels high emotions turning good sex into hot sex
  • Sex can be used as an apology, the wronged partner overcompensates and makes sex a great experience
  • Is a band aid in dealing with the underlying issues
  • Restores the feeling of connectedness due to the release of Dopamine 

Couples therapist

Romantic conflict can increase feelings of sexual desire. Increased sexual desire is high due to the fear of losing the relationship. The experience can be psychologically threatening. Feeling threatened activates our biologically-based attachment system. This system keeps our important relationships intact. It motivates us to increase our sense of closeness and security with important people in our lives, such as our intimate partner.

The difference between couples who feel like roommates and couples who feel intimacy is the ability to share thoughts and feelings, ask for what they need and want, and avoid being conflict avoidant. Expressing feelings makes for being vulnerable and being vulnerable makes for intimacy. Fighting takes a lot of energy. That energy is a range full of emotions. When couples tell me they never fight I find their relationship suspect. Being cordial suppresses emotions that need to be expressed. The lack of sharing those emotions keeps couples from feeling intimacy.  Although fighting is not an appropriate means for resolving conflict, it does make for highly charged feelings.

For more information about makeup sex please go to my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

 

Dating With An STI – How To Have The Conversation

Dating With An STI – How To Have The Conversation. Dating With A Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) isn’t easy. Herpes is the most common STI among the single clients I work with. More than one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes. Genital herpes is a common sexually transmitted infection that any sexually active person can get. Most people with the virus don’t have symptoms. Even without signs of the disease, herpes can still be spread to sex partners. According to the World Health Organization, 3.7 billion people under the age of fifty have herpes simplex virus type 1. That’s about 67 percent of the global under-fifty population. Some people have the virus and are asymptomatic; some have symptoms that are dormant for years and manifest through stress. Anyone with a history of unprotected sex may fall into that percentage.

dating with an STI

Dating with  an STI

Most people who have Herpes have accepted their contracting the condition. There is no cure for herpes. However, there are medicines that can prevent or shorten outbreaks. One of these anti-herpes medicines can be taken daily, and makes it less likely that you will pass the infection on to your sex partner(s).  Stress can bring about an outbreak, but isn’t a life threatening.  The shame of having an STI’s resonates with single people as they feel the shame about disclosing it to new partners.  Single people dating find it uncomfortable to disclose they have Herpes. There is a certain amount of shame that comes with sexually transmitted diseases. It gives the connotation individuals are promiscuous and irresponsible when it comes to safe sex.

As a marriage and family therapist, specializing in working with couples, I normalize the feelings associated with dating with an STI. First of all, more people than you think have an STI. Secondly, who you share this information with is confidential. And third, no one is perfect and mistakes do happen.  It shows great courage and integrity to share the truth about living with an STI.

Dating with an STI

It is better to share the fact sooner rather than later as later presents as lying by omission. But, I get it, hesitation stems from shame and guilt. Rise above any stigma as you are not defined by your past. It’s what you do with your future that’s important. Honesty is always the best policy. If the person you share this information with is not understanding, it’s better to move on before any emotional connection is made.

Couples therapist

Furthermore, if dating with an STI is too anxiety provoking there are dating sites who cater to people with like kind situations.

For more information please contact me through my website: CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com or call me at (858) 735-1139.

 

What Exactly Is Normal Sex?

What Exactly Is Normal Sex? As a Marriage Counselor I get asked a lot of questions about relationships and sex. The most frequent question is what is normal sex? When I was in my mid-twenties and married to my first husband I thought normal sex was having sex about two times a month. It wasn’t until I was divorcing him that I confided in my mother and told her that. My mother, a devout Catholic, who never talked to us about sex, let alone what is normal sex, was shocked at what I had shared. She responded, “even me and your dad have more sex than that.” I was shocked to have heard that. I was either naive or lacked the intimacy needed in a healthy relationship and didn’t care for sex. The latter actually became the enlightenment as I came to appreciate sex as a healthy and enjoyable thing.

People want to know how often they should be having sex and what kind. They also want to know what sex is like for other people. I’ve been a Marriage Counselor for over 25 years and I say “there is no normal.” Each and every person has their own thoughts and wants about sex. Why compare yourself? Do what feels comfortable for you. Every couple I work with has their own set of circumstances to problems they present. There is no “one size fits all,” answer when it comes to quantity and quality of your sex life. But I get it, people want to know where they stand in the data researched or spectrum from daily sex to occasional sex. If your sex life is working for you, then wonderful. If it isn’t what others are doing is not irrelevant.

According to Marty Klein, certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist, he, too, refuses to answer the question, “what is normal sex,” although not with numbers. In America, this is what he says sexually normal is:

  • Adults have sex when they are tired
  • Many people are not sober during (of before) sex
  • Even intimates are often unsure what their partner likes
  • Many people using Viagra hide it from their partner

Dr. Klein also writes about having Sexual Intelligence. Sexual Intelligence is “Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness.” Meaning the planets don’t have to be perfectly aligned to have sex. Sexual Intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life: in our twenties, in exploring the sexual world; in our thirties, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our forties, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our fifties, in saying goodbye to youthful sex, in our sixties and  beyond, in creating a new sexual style.

So basically what’s normal is what you want. Having conversations about what you both want and don’t want in bed is key to making your sex life normal for you.

To learn how to talk about sex and what you want sexually give me a call at (858) 735-1139 and get the conversation rolling.