Sexual Intimacy – What’s You’re Sex Life Like?

Sexual Intimacy – What’s You’re Sex Life Like? Was sex discussed in your family? As a young girl I learned about sex through watching movies and from my peers. When sex was brought up it was to tell us kids not to have sex before marriage. That it was a sin and other sex shaming remarks. It’s no wonder some couples have a hard time talking about what they want in and out of the bedroom. There’s no need to be ashamed about asking for what you want in bed. Sex is better when you do.

male and female being intimate
Sexual Intimacy – What’s You’re Sex Life Like?
Sexual Intimacy. Esther Perel states we all come to relationships with an emotional dowry. This transfer of parental legacy contains fears, anticipations, old wounds, and your strengths.   Your emotional dowry is what was role modeled for you as a child and has become second nature. Perel states our relational and sexual aspirations are based on what you had, what you didn’t have, what you wish to repair, and what’s ok to repeat.

These tips can be transforming when developing your sexual intimacy.

  • Have Sexual Intelligence.
  • What was the attitude towards sex in your family growing up?
    • comfortable, natural, awkward, repressive, shame based, guilt inducing, abusive
  • Know what strengths you bring into your relationship.
  • What’s a dilemma you carry with you?
  • What are the dominant messages you grew up with about boys and girls/men and women?
  • Do you want sexual exclusivity in your relationship?
  • When do you feel most free in your relationship?
  • What do you like to experience in sex?
    • tenderness, softness, closeness, surrender, dominance, abandon, freedom, freedom from responsibility, giving, receiving, being taken possessing, ruthlessness, spiritual connection
  • Among the 5 senses, which one is most sexual for you?
    • seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting
  • How comfortable are you in communicating your sexual wants and dislikes?
  • How comfortable are you in communicating your emotional wants and dislikes?
  • What is a hard conversation for you to have around intimacy and sexuality?

Sexual Intimacy – What’s You’re Sex Life Like?

Your sex life is about what you want. Explore each question. These tips can help you know more about what you want so you can share that with your partner. As you read through these tips you will become more self-aware about intimate relationships and your sexuality. Communicating about sex with our partners makes us vulnerable. And who wants to do that?! But being vulnerable is what intimacy making is all about. Without intimacy couples can feel like they are just roommates.

For more information about your sexual intimacy call me at (858) 735-1139.

Do You Want Details Of Your Husband’s Infidelity?

Do You Want Details Of Your Husband’s Infidelity? As an Affair Recovery specialist, I understand the Hurt Partner (typically the wife) wants details of her husband’s affair.  As much as I can appreciate that it is not productive to moving forward. Meanings and motives are more helpful in understanding the “whys” of an affair. How many times did you have sex and what positions is not helpful. As a matter of fact it can be detrimental because mental images negatively impact moving forward.  “I’m sorry” is not affair recovery. Neither is “It’ll never happen again”  The statement “I’ll do whatever it takes” to repair the relationship includes getting into affair recovery and exercising the newfound behavior consistently. Understand the future possibilities for the marriage are not determined by what happened in the affair, they are determined by what happens after the affair is known.

Do You Want Details Of Your Husband’s Infidelity?

Detective questions (facts about the affair) are not helpful to the affair recovery process. However, Investigative questions are. They help to get meaning and motives behind the affair. I take the couple through questions that help the Affair Partner get some insight about why the affair happened in the first place and help articulate that insight to the Hurt Partner. Do You Want Details Of Your Husband’s Infidelity?

Questions include:

  • What did the affair mean to you?
  • Why did it happen when it happened?
  • Were you looking for it? Did it just happen?
  • Did you tell anyone about the affair?
  • Do you think of leaving me?

Affair recovery includes:

  • Teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriage back on track
  • The unfaithful partner needs to willingly end the affair
  • Be honest and transparent to gradually rebuild trust
  • Understanding affairs are less about love and more about boundaries
  • Understand the major attraction in an affair is NOT the ‘lover’ but the positive mirroring of the self – “the way I look when I see myself in my lover’s eyes”
  • The hurt partner must be willing to find ways to manage her overwhelming emotions so they can sort out the reasons for the affair and what needs to change so that it never happens again.
  • Time – allow time to heal. With time and effort you can move forward.

Do You Want Details Of Your Husband’s Infidelity?

Some couples think they can do all this on their own. I beg to differ. I believe it is extremely important to undergo affair recovery and with someone who knows how to move you forward. Doing nothing almost always guarantees repeat offense. Affair relapse prevention is contingent on both partners understanding their part in this problem. Without blaming and by showing empathy and validating each others’ perspective affair recovery is successful.

For more information please contact me at (858) 735-1139.


Are You Conflict Avoidant?

Are You Conflict Avoidant? Conflict avoidance creates conflict. Typically people pleasers and individuals who don’t assert themselves avoid conflict. It’s healthy to express thoughts and feelings and ask for what you need and want. When a situation comes up with your partner and you have differences do you keep quiet, placate or give your perspective? Couples who are able to relationally communicate have a deeper level of intimacy than those who do not. As a Marriage Counselor, I work with couples who say they never fight. These same couples say they don’t feel an emotional connectedness with one another and tend to feel like “roommates.” When you suppress your emotions rather than share them you lose the opportunity for emotional growth. Without vulnerability

Are You Conflict Avoidant?

Reasons for being conflict avoidant:

  • Fear of disappointing
  • Fear of an argument
  • Experienced bad conflicts during childhood
  • Fear of negative reinforcement or repercussions when asserting self
  • Fear of expressing self
  • Stonewalling
  • Feel their input isn’t valued

Tips to Overcome Your Conflict Avoidance Issue

  • Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen if you confront your partner
  • Start with a minor conflictual situation and build up to a larger one
  • Identify your feelings
  • Use “I” language which asserts your thoughts and feelings
  • Be clear on what you want
  • Remember that your partner’s feelings are their own.

Overcoming the discomfort of being conflict avoidant is important because conflict avoidance creates more conflict between you and your partner. By avoiding conflict you miss out on opportunities for growth.  Growth always involves change, and even positive changes often involve some level of tension and discomfort. To choose to avoid conflict is to choose personal stagnation – the opposite of growth. Take pride in successfully confronting a conflict situation.

For more information about becoming less conflict avoidant please contact me at (858) 735-1139.

Women And Their Right To Sexual Pleasure

Women And Their Right To Sexual Pleasure.  With moving into the 21st Century women are becoming more and more empowered in having a voice.  Growing up in the 60’s we had the sexual revolution where the hippies of those days were considered immoral and lacking decent boundaries when it came to adhering to societal norms.  During that period of time sexual behavior was no different than as it is today, except sexual populations are open and society is more tolerate of them hoping to normalize what the sexual revolution intended, in positive ways.  What people do with their sex lives is their business as long as they are of no harm to themselves or others.

As a marriage counselor, I work with women who want to enjoy their sex life by giving them some sexual intelligence.  Throughout history men’s pleasure has been prioritized, often times at the expense of women’s pleasure and even consent.  With various women’s movement and the increased awareness of sex positive feminism women are asserting their own sexual pleasure.  To do this women need to understand their own desires.  Because of the ways in which we are taught and socialized it is difficult to ask for what we want when it comes to having an orgasm.  There are different kinds of sex.  According to Planned Parenthood, the different kinds of sex include:

Vaginal sex (penis in vagina intercourse)

Oral sex (mouth to genital contact)

Anal sex (penis in butt intercourse)

Fingering or hand jobs (hand to genital contact)

Dry humping or genital rubbing

Masturbation (touching yourself)

In determining your desires it would be good to begin your own sexual empowerment journey.  Ask yourself the following questions:

  • What turns you on
  • What kind of pleasurable sensations do you like best
  • Do you masturbate – do you know how to masturbate – are you comfortable doing so
  • Have you tried masturbating while having sex with your partner
  • Do you know how to ask for what you like
  • Do you know what you want during sex
  • Any shame about your desires
  • Any shame about the noises you make
  • Do you compare yourself to supermodels and become intimidated
  • Do you believe you have the right to your pleasure

Depending on how you grew up sex is typically shame-based, and stems from the belief that it is dirty and sinful.  When you can learn the answers to your questions and learn to let go of the shame, embarrassment, and the negative belief that you don’t have a right to your own sexual pleasure you can experience a sexual awakening.  Some people never do and will never experience the pleasure that those who do talk about.

For more information on claiming your right to pleasure and developing a sexual empowerment journey contact me at (858) 7835-1139.




Why People Fantasize About Sex

Why People Fantasize About Sex.  Sexual fantasies are about more than just experiencing pleasure or enhancing arousal.  They can serve a range of psychological functions.   Here are the most commonly reported reason people fantasize about sex (survey or 4,175 Americans – J. Lehmiller, Ph.):

  1. Curiosity about sexual experiences and sensations.
  2. Unfulfilled sexual needs.
  3. To temporarily escape from reality.
  4. Curiosity about sexual experiences and sensation.
  5. To experience sexual arousal.
  6. To express or fulfill a socially taboo sexual desire.  
  7. To plan out a future encounter.
  8. Boredom.
  9. To relax or reduce anxiety.
  10. To feel more sexually confident.
  11. To compensate for an undesirable partner.
  12. To block distractions during sex.
  13. Unfulfilled emotional needs.
  14. To express creativity.
  15. To help fall asleep.

As a Marriage Counselor I see couples who believe that fantasizing about sex is deviant.  On the contrary, research indicates that having sexual fantasies is absolutely normal, if not necessary.  It’s part of being a sexual being.  It’s not having them that is not so normal.

Sharing fantasies can actually enhance a couples’ sex life making good sex, great sex.  Being able to share without actually following through with the behavior can make for hot sex as the dialogue about it is risk taking therefore developing intimacy for an emotional connection.

Depending upon your upbringing about sex having sexual fantasies can be shame-based.  Not everyone is comfortable talking about what turns them on let alone acting them out.

For more information about sexual fantasies and how they can enhance your love life contact me at (858) 735-1139.

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