What Exactly Is Normal Sex?

What Exactly Is Normal Sex? As a Marriage Counselor I get asked a lot of questions about relationships and sex. The most frequent question is what is normal sex? When I was in my mid-twenties and married to my first husband I thought normal sex was having sex about two times a month. It wasn’t until I was divorcing him that I confided in my mother and told her that. My mother, a devout Catholic, who never talked to us about sex, let alone what is normal sex, was shocked at what I had shared. She responded, “even me and your dad have more sex than that.” I was shocked to have heard that. I was either naive or lacked the intimacy needed in a healthy relationship and didn’t care for sex. The latter actually became the enlightenment as I came to appreciate sex as a healthy and enjoyable thing.

People want to know how often they should be having sex and what kind. They also want to know what sex is like for other people. I’ve been a Marriage Counselor for over 25 years and I say “there is no normal.” Each and every person has their own thoughts and wants about sex. Why compare yourself? Do what feels comfortable for you. Every couple I work with has their own set of circumstances to problems they present. There is no “one size fits all,” answer when it comes to quantity and quality of your sex life. But I get it, people want to know where they stand in the data researched or spectrum from daily sex to occasional sex. If your sex life is working for you, then wonderful. If it isn’t what others are doing is not irrelevant.

According to Marty Klein, certified sex therapist and licensed psychotherapist, he, too, refuses to answer the question, “what is normal sex,” although not with numbers. In America, this is what he says sexually normal is:

  • Adults have sex when they are tired
  • Many people are not sober during (of before) sex
  • Even intimates are often unsure what their partner likes
  • Many people using Viagra hide it from their partner

Dr. Klein also writes about having Sexual Intelligence. Sexual Intelligence is “Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness.” Meaning the planets don’t have to be perfectly aligned to have sex. Sexual Intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life: in our twenties, in exploring the sexual world; in our thirties, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our forties, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our fifties, in saying goodbye to youthful sex, in our sixties and  beyond, in creating a new sexual style.

So basically what’s normal is what you want. Having conversations about what you both want and don’t want in bed is key to making your sex life normal for you.

To learn how to talk about sex and what you want sexually give me a call at (858) 735-1139 and get the conversation rolling.



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