Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

Will Cheaters Cheat Again? This is a difficult question to answer because everyone is different with their own set of circumstances leading to infidelity. Whenever I’m asked that question I say, “it depends.” In affair recovery the single best indicator of success is the Affair Partner’s (cheater) ability to show insight about why he/she cheated and articulate why he/she will not cheat again. While the Hurt Partner (typically wife) manages her emotions appropriately through the affair recovery process as it’s a roller coaster of a ride with good days and bad. In working with couples for over 25 years, I find the success rate for good prognosis is where both partners are committed to developing a new healthy relationship where they are able to put the affair behind them but manage the underlying symptoms that lead to it.

Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

Insight allows you to engage in heartfelt reflection. Insight helps you understand what’s going on in your relationship at any given time, whether you’re in conflict or things are going well. It gives you a strong understanding of what’s going on with you and how that contributes to the state of your relationship in general. Insight means you realize what you could be contributing, what your perspective is, and most important, how you feel about that. When you trust your ability to process information (understand what’s going on), you can learn to say the things that you need to say, despite the possible ramifications.

Information gathering is an important tool in every relationship. The best way for you to gather information is through understanding what you are thinking and feeling and whatever you are trying to process. When you take in information, your brain processes it and provides introspection into what you know and how you feel. It takes the information you’ve gathered and digests it in a thoughtful, rather than a half-witted, way. Insight is the ability to gather information, and finally be able to articulate what that gathered information means to you.

Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

In the case of Sam, 42 and Sandy 41. They have been married 25 years with two children. Sam was discovered having an affair with his office mate and is remorseful. Sandy doesn’t want to divorce as they have two young children and spent the better part of life building a life together. She is understandably hurt and confused. She has lost all trust and is not confident she can regain Sam’s trust ever again.

Sam is asked a set a questions about his affair where it is important to get meaning and motive rather than detective details about it. Sam believes he strayed away from his marriage because he like the attention he received from this office mate. He also shares as a young boy his parents never had time for him as they were busy running their family restaurant. He remembers receiving attention from his nanny and felt close to her. He said he knew his parents loved him but the neglected paying him the attention he now knows he not only wanted, but needed.

Will Cheaters Cheat Again?

Sam and Sandy grew up together and she apparently gave him the attention he longed for. As they both were each other’s first love and became consumed with the details of life, work, children, etc. They placed more attention on the day-to-day details of life than with each other. Sandy received a lot of attention from her children as she was the primary caretaker. Both worked and with motherhood, Sandy admits the relationships needs were neglected.

In affair recovery we acknowledge Sam’ office mate was a third party entity that enabled Sam to feel a feeling. That feeling was feeling wanted and validated. His shame and guilt along with his insight about why he stepped out of the marriage and why he will not in the future is a big first step in the affair recovery process. Of course, they have acquired tools to be able to initiate conversation, share thought and feelings, and ask for what is needed and wanted.

As Sam continues to gather information about why he made this bad decision, both are learning how to show each other empathy and become more vulnerable so they can talk about anything, despite the discomfort of hard topics.

For more information contact me at (858) 735-1139 or visit my website CouplesCounselorSanDiego.com

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